By Bud Koenemund
6 December 2012
WASHINGTON, D.C. (Disassociated Press) – Though surrounded by frozen wasteland,
the North Pole has long been immune to cooling economic climates. Now, however,
the world-wide financial crisis has reached into the icy expanse above the
Arctic Circle.
Santa Claus
Incorporated today announced plans to cut more than 20 percent of its elven
work force, and nearly 25 percent of its flying reindeer staff. The cuts come
less than three weeks before Christmas – traditionally Santa Claus' busiest
season – and were made in an effort to save money and streamline business
operations, a North Pole spokesman said.
"Decades of
increasing production and delivery costs, as well as steadily rising elf and
reindeer wages and health care costs have compelled us to downsize our
workforce," said Yukon Cornelius.
In an additional statement,
SCI revealed the mortgage for Santa's workshop is underwater – the sale value
of the workshop and surrounding property is worth less than the amount
remaining on the mortgage.
"SCI tried to
re-finance this loan, but property values this far north have never been high,
and it's difficult to make mortgage payments when you give away toys for
free," said Cornelius.
As the job cuts were
being announced, Kris Kringle, CEO of Santa Claus Incorporated, appeared before
the Joint Congressional Subcommittee for Supercilious Affairs to request a
nearly $250 billion corporate bail-out package.
During questioning
by Rep. Barney Frank (D – MA), subcommittee chairman, Kringle admitted that
Santa Claus stands in the growing shadow of a financial crisis.
"Without a
substantial aid package from Congress, Santa Claus could very well cease to
exist," Kringle said. "We need an infusion of capital to sustain us
while we re-vamp our operations."
Frank pressed
Kringle on the wisdom of his current business model and on repeated calls for
cuts in management compensation.
"From time
immemorial, we have provided toys to children around the world, in exchange for
nothing more than good behavior, stale cookies, and warm milk," Kringle
said. "And, despite years of parental threats, we have never left a single
child a lump of coal in their stocking. But, rising costs are forcing us to
re-examine this generosity."
"We must
re-tool our plants and our workforce in order to produce toys more efficiently
and at a lower cost, while at the same time, restoring the world's faith in
Santa Claus," Kringle said.
Committee member
Senator Joe Lieberman (I – CT) questioned Kringle regarding the status of his mortgage.
"Years ago,
Chase – aware of our business model; our limited collateral and earning
potential – approved our loan. They assured SCI real estate prices would
continue to rise, and that there would always be more money available,"
Kringle claimed. "Now, we're drowning and they want to hand us a cement
block.
The International
Brotherhood of Elves quickly responded to the announcement of job cuts and
Kringle's statements before Congress.
"Despite
decades of poor treatment by management, especially a lack of dental care, the
Elves have offered SCI several contract give-backs in an effort to preserve
jobs," said a union leader who gave his name only as Hermey. "But,
the problems at SCI extend far beyond our contract."
"For years, SCI
has been steadily cutting our workforce as they've outsourced more and more
work to China and Korea in an effort to increase corporate profits. Unfortunately,
toy quality has suffered and now consumers are turning to other sources for
their Christmas gifts," Hermey said.
Hermey cited SCI
distribution of Chinese-manufactured toys containing lead-based paint as the
primary factor for the decline in demand.
Representatives of
the Federated Union of Reindeer could not be reached for comment.
At the White House,
President Barack Obama said that he is watching the crisis closely.
"We must not underestimate
this crisis," Mr. Obama said. "If Santa Claus goes under, his
suppliers and their employees will suffer as well."
Several economic experts
have warned ripples of SCI's fall could spread globally; even as far as
Hanukkah Harry Industries – the largest competitor of Santa Claus.
Rep. John Boehner, (R
– OH), Speaker of the House of Representatives, is among several members of Congress
opposed to a bail-out of Santa Claus.
"This is not
our crisis to solve. The North Pole is not U.S. territory and Mr. Kringle is
not an American citizen," Boehner said. "He should petition Canada,
Norway, or Russia; or perhaps even the United Nations for the emergency funding
he needs."
Senate Minority
Leader Mitch McConnell (R – KY) seconded Boehner's rejection of aid.
"We are not in
the business of giving handouts to the 99 percent of individuals claiming to be
in danger of losing their homes or small businesses in this economic crisis,"
he said.