Mets Eliminated From Playoff Race

Announcement Comes Hours Before Season’s First Pitch

FLUSHING, NY (Pirate Press) – In a move sure to stun many fans of the New York Mets, team officials today announced that the team has been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention this season.

The admission came at Citi Field, just hours before the first pitch in Friday's season opener against the Florida Marlins.

"We just feel that it's important to be truthful with our fan base," said Sandy Alderson, Mets General Manager.

Alderson told reporters that a small group made up of team management looked into the team's chances during spring training in Florida.

"We looked at our roster, our current and recent injuries – including those of [supposed franchise shortstop] Jose Reyes - and we looked at what has happened over the last four seasons," Alderson said. "Unfortunately, we determined that this team stood a snowballs chance in Hell of making the playoffs this season."

Following consecutive late season collapses in 2007 and 2008, Mets players suffered a frightening string of injuries in 2009, which virtually crippled the team for most of the year. The 2010 season proved no better.

"After those three seasons, frankly, we expected a strong rebound in 2010, but we came out of the gate snakebit and never recovered," said Omar Minaya, former Mets General Manager.

Minaya was fired - along with Mets manager Jerry Manuel - following the 2010 season.

"It seemed like every single thing that could go wrong did," Minaya added, "from dropped pop flies against the Yankees, to our closer breaking his hand punching an old man, we saw it all in 2010."

"Truthfully," Alderson said, "at this point, there's a better chance that the world actually will end in 2012 than there is of the Mets playing even .500 baseball this season…much less make the post-season."

Mets players and coaches were disappointed by the announcement.

"Baseball has been very, very good to me, but not this year," Chico Escuela, Mets outfielder, said through an interpreter.

"What can I say? Sadly, eternal optimism doesn't live in Queens anymore," said Terry Collins, current manager of the Mets. "All we can ask is that our fans wait 'til next year…again."

Eyes: Young and Blue

Not a fan of my blue eyes. I adore brown. Who wants to swap?
- Lara Schutz, 22 February 2011


Photograph by Lara Schutz - copyright 2008


Eyes: young and blue. One matched pair, slightly used;
Called striking, on occasion. Asking trade.
No known impairments, still sparkle like new.
Seeking an extra-genetic upgrade;
Recessive genes – too slow in receding –
Have denied me the brown shade I adore.
Thus, I beg an exchange satisfying
Purely aesthetic desire, nothing more;
My mind will retain the burdens perceived
Within a scant two dozen years of sight;
Memories – good and bad only conceived –
Remain, to fade slowly in life’s twilight.
Alas, I know this yearning is but vain
Hope, tinged with an envy I can't constrain.

Once Upon a Time...

For "Her."

Let’s sit and write a sonnet together,
Just you and I. I’ll pour some drinks and play
Songs that still remind me, while you whisper
Words which linger in my ears. I’ll obey
Your charge wistfully, quickening the quill
To flagellate my soul in equal parts
Healing and torture, as grief beyond will
Suffocates the love that once filled my heart;
Anon we’ll return to the past; a time
I knew, even then, was but a broken
Fairy tale, and at the bell’s midnight chime
I am left a knight without his maiden.
I'll fill this page with things I long to say,
For your magic oft’ fades ere light of day.

"Fat Tuesday" is Insulting to Obese Americans

Just a little satire for Mardi Gras.

My friends, I am fed up with the city of New Orleans. I said, brothers and sisters, I am fed up with the city of New Orleans. I am as mad as Hell, and I tell you I will take it no more! I am sick and tired of being annually insulted, degraded, jeered, mocked, and slurred.

The city and citizens of New Orleans ask for our help in rebuilding, yet they continue to use their paganistic Mardi Gras celebration as an excuse to taunt millions of overweight Americans with their observance of "Fat Tuesday." Fat Tuesday? What, I ask you, is there to celebrate about being Fat? Are these heathens and the tourists they attract celebrating the increase in heart disease and diabetes brought about by being overweight?

Do they celebrate the fact that many overweight Americans are heading for an early grave? Do they not care how hurtful the word "Fat" can be? What will they celebrate next, Wide-ass Wednesday? Fried Foods Friday? Accept this outrage no longer, friends!

As one of the growing masses (in numbers and in girth) of overweight Americans, I call on you to join my new group: the Organization to Reduce Excessively Offensive Slogans (O.R.E.O.S.). We demand that "Fat Tuesday" be immediately renamed a more politically correct "Obese Tuesday." We will no longer sit idly by -- eating our Twinkies and Ring-Dings -- while unthinking and unfeeling people continue to use a term as offensive as "Fat."

Say it loud and say it proud my friends; "No Justice, No Peas…or Carrots, Celery, and Corn!"

In addition, we will soon be filing a lawsuit against New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin for fraudulently claiming that New Orleans will be a "Chocolate City." This blatant attempt to lure obese people to New Orleans with the false promise of nearly unlimited sweets will not be allowed to continue.

Thank you America!

Bud Koenemund
Grand High Exalted Poobah of O.R.E.O.S.

I Fear Sleep for the Dreams That Often Come

A villanelle for Arthur H. Monigold.


I fear sleep for the dreams that often come
In the darkest hours after midnight,
When my mind is defenseless, my heart numb.

Engulfed in blackness, I sense the phantom
Approach, but I cannot flee, cannot fight;
I fear sleep for the dreams that often come.

Powerless, I am once more his victim.
Past trespass will allow no rest tonight,
When my mind is defenseless, my heart numb.

My innocence again becomes flotsam,
Broken by incestuous appetite;
I fear sleep for the dreams that often come.

The shame of my own guilt becomes tiresome
To bear, though memory will still indict
When my mind is defenseless, my heart numb.

To unrestrained emotions I succumb,
While praying these nightmares fade in day's light.
I fear sleep for the dreams that often come
When my mind is defenseless, my heart numb.

We Are Such Stuff as Dreams Are Made On: A Review of "The Tempest"

Scene: Exterior - Broadway, New York City, two weeks before Christmas.

Four friends and I have set off on a quest to see Julie Taymor's interpretation of William Shakespeare's The Tempest. I've been looking forward to this day for months -- I took a vacation day from work so that I could see this film on opening night -- so we're driving 30+ miles, into New York City, on a Friday night, this close to Christmas. The potential for disaster is dangerously high.

The risk, however, is more than worth the reward. See, I'm a bit of a Shakespeare fanatic. I read the plays, I see all the movies, and I see the plays performed on the stage whenever I can. I know -- and celebrate -- William Shakespeare's birthday, I know the names of the three conspirators in Henry V (Act 2, Prologue), and I remember the name of Mercutio's brother in Romeo and Juliet. I quote Shakespeare to my four-year-old niece. Oh, and I bought her a copy of The Complete Works before she was even born.

Two of my former college professors -- one with a Master's degree and one with a Ph. D. -- have invited me into their classrooms for a day or more to teach their students about The Bard. This is, of course, an honor. An honor I could not accept (it's a long story), but an honor nonetheless.

I respect both professors, but if Dr. Nancy Hazelton -- a true Shakespearean scholar -- told me that William Shakespeare was the son of an illiterate glover, who smoked cannabis, and wrote the majority of his sonnets for a man, I'd take every word as gospel. (Wait...what?!?) If I have a question about Will or the Elizabethan theater, I go to Dr. H. So, when she asked for my review of The Tempest, I again held it a high honor.

Truthfully, I'm still wrestling with my feelings toward the movie. I want to like it, I really, really want to like it. And, overall, I do. The film was beautiful. The setting (Hawaii) was perfect. The actors were -- with one exception -- terrific. Helen Mirren did a wonderful job with the "Our revels now are ended" speech. (I doubted her not.) The film was a big step up from Titus.

That being said, I had several problems (three small, two large) with the film:

1. Although I realize Trinculo is one of the "low comedy" characters, I think Russell Brand was a poor choice to play that part. His accent -- compared to those of the others -- was jarring. I don't know how to explain it other than to say that he just didn't seem to "fit" the part.
My view on this point has softened somewhat in the past three weeks. I thought back to Kenneth Branagh's casting of Alicia Silverstone and Matthew Lillard in Love's Labours Lost, and realized that Taymor was probably trying to pull in the younger, "Katy Perry" crowd by casting Brand. (Brand is, for those who don't know, engaged to singer Katy Perry.)

2. Being a Romantic, I think the moment Miranda and Ferdinand first meet could have been extended a bit. I would've liked one of those cinematic "Their eyes meet and everything around them stops for a few moments" type of shots.

3. In a few places, most notably the shipwreck scene (Act 1, Scene 1), the music made the dialogue nearly unintelligible. That scene should be loud (men shouting, howling wind, thunder, crashing waves, breaking timber), but the music threatened to drown (small pun intended) much of that.

4. The masque (Act 4, Scene 1) was very short, and it resembled a cut scene from Taymor's Across the Universe. It consisted of computer generated graphics that resembled a geometry exam on LSD. (James I, who loved masques -- hence their inclusion in many plays once he became king -- would not have approved.)

5. My major complaint about the film is the epilogue. The epilogue was presented as a song (a very slow song) which played over the closing credits. If I hadn't known that an epilogue was coming, I would have missed it. When the credits began before the epilogue was presented, I stayed in my seat thinking perhaps Taymor was going to do something like Branagh did in As You Like It. Sadly, that was not to be.
I was a bit shocked. I mean, that epilogue wasn't just the end of the play, it was Will's farewell to the stage. It should have been a bit tongue-in-cheek ("Yes, I'm out here begging you to clap for the play"), and contain a little bit of sentiment for those of us -- 400 years down the road -- who know that Will is done writing (at least by himself).

Now my charms are all o'erthrown,
And what strength I have's mine own,
Which is most faint: now, 'tis true,
I must be here confined by you,
Or sent to Naples. Let me not,
Since I have my dukedom got
And pardon'd the deceiver, dwell
In this bare island by your spell;
But release me from my bands
With the help of your good hands:
Gentle breath of yours my sails
Must fill, or else my project fails,
Which was to please. Now I want
Spirits to enforce, art to enchant,
And my ending is despair,
Unless I be relieved by prayer,
Which pierces so that it assaults
Mercy itself and frees all faults.
As you from crimes would pardon'd be,
Let your indulgence set me free.

- William Shakespeare, The Tempest

North Pole Announces Job Cuts, Kringle Appears Before Congress

A satirical look at the ever deepening financial crisis being felt around the world. (Written: December 2008)

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Although surrounded by frozen wasteland, the North Pole has always been immune to cooling economic climates. Now, however, the world-wide financial crisis has reached into the icy expanse above the Arctic Circle.

Santa Claus Incorporated today announced plans to cut more than 20 percent of its elven work force, and nearly 25 percent of its flying reindeer staff. The cuts come less than two weeks before Christmas – traditionally Santa Claus’ busiest season – and were made in an effort to save money and streamline business operations, a North Pole spokesman said.

“Decades of increasing production and delivery costs, as well as steadily rising elf and reindeer wages and health care costs have compelled us to downsize our workforce,” said Yukon Cornelius.

As the job cuts were being announced, Kris Kringle, CEO of Santa Claus Incorporated, or SCI, appeared before the Congressional Subcommittee for Supercilious Affairs to request a nearly $250 billion corporate bail-out package.

During questioning by Rep. Barney Frank (D – MA), subcommittee chairman, Kringle claimed that Santa Claus stands in the growing shadow of a financial crisis.

“Without a substantial aid package from Congress, Santa Claus could very well cease to exist,” Kringle said. “We need an infusion of capital to sustain us while we re-vamp our operations.”

Frank pressed Kringle on the wisdom of his current business model and on repeated calls for cuts in management compensation.

“From time immemorial, we have provided toys to children around the world, in exchange for nothing more than good behavior, stale cookies, and warm milk,” Kringle said. “And, despite years of parental threats, we have never left a single child a lump of coal in their stocking. But, rising costs are forcing us to re-examine this generosity.”

“We must re-tool our plants and our workforce in order to produce toys more efficiently and at a lower cost, while at the same time, restoring the world’s faith in Santa Claus,” Kringle said.

The International Brotherhood of Elves quickly responded to the announcement of job cuts and Kringle’s statements before Congress.

“Despite decades of poor treatment by management, especially a lack of dental care, the Elves have offered SCI several contract give-backs in an effort to preserve jobs,” said a union leader who gave his name only as Hermey. “But, the problems at SCI extend far beyond our contract.”

“For years, SCI has been steadily cutting our workforce as they’ve outsourced more and more work to China and Korea in an effort to increase corporate profits. Unfortunately, toy quality has suffered and now consumers are turning to other sources for their Christmas gifts,” Hermey said.

Hermey cited SCI distribution of Chinese-manufactured toys containing lead-based paint as a primary factor in the decline in demand.

Representatives of the Federated Union of Reindeer could not be reached for comment.

At the White House, President George W. Bush said that he is watching the crisis closely.

“We must not misunderestimate this crisis,” Mr. Bush said. “If Santa Claus goes under, his suppliers and their employees will suffer as well.”

Several economic experts have warned that the ripples of SCI’s fall could spread globally; even as far as Hanukkah Harry Industries – the largest competitor of Santa Claus.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi, (D – CA), Speaker of the House of Representatives, is among several members of Congress opposed to a bail-out of Santa Claus.

“This is not our crisis to solve…the North Pole is not U.S. territory and Mr. Kringle is not an American citizen,” Pelosi said. “He should petition Canada, Norway, or Russia; or perhaps even the United Nations for the emergency funding he needs.”

Kringle warns that without the bail-out funds, “Presents may not be delivered this Christmas Eve.”

The Metamorphosis...or Not!

This morning, I intercepted a suicide bomber within an inch of my left foot. Normally, I keep a rolled-up newspaper handy in order to deal with such attacks. Unfortunately, my weapon of choice was not available this morning, so I grabbed my favorite biological weapon, "Ortho Home Defense Max."

I must take a moment to say - without prompting or payment from the good people at Ortho - this stuff is great! It kills any kind of bug, inside or out. And, it makes spiders "dance" before they die! Yes, I know that sounds horribly sadistic, but when it comes to spiders...

Let it suffice to say that there is now one more filthy, eight-legged fraker writhing in Hell, along with Shelob and her evil minions.

But, I digress.

My early morning encounter reminded me of two mock news pieces I wrote back in 2005; so I thought I'd post them for you, Gentle Reader. Stay safe!


Bud Forces Launch Offensive Against Insurgents
Disassociated Press
14 April 2005

POMONA, N.Y. – Forces for a Spider-Free Bud’s Room yesterday launched a violent basement-wide counter-attack, including the use of chemical and biological weapons, against eight-legged insurgents.

According to Brigadier General Sy Kopath, FSFBR spokesman, the insurgents have begun what appears to be a spring offensive to re-occupy the Free People’s Republic of Bud’s Room.

“We thought we had the creepy bastards beaten in the winter, but the warmer weather has brought a resurgence in the rate of arachnid incursions,” he said.

While traditional weapons such as shoes, napkins, and rolled up college newspapers have been employed with great success, Kopath revealed that Bud Forces have recently resorted to chemical deterrence in the form of moth balls, and biological weapons developed by S.C. Johnson & Son, Inc. to defeat the arachnids before they regain a foothold in Bud’s Room.

“Our forces are determined to stop the enemy at the border,” Kopath said. “Any that do get in will be terminated without mercy.”

Representatives of the God-less Communist Invading Spider Horde released a statement denouncing the use of weapons of mass spider destruction.

“The use of these weapons (WMSDs) violates multiple international treaties and the GCISH will not stand for it,” the statement reads.

The statement also alludes to The Horde’s alleged nuclear weapons program.

“Last year we laid down our legs in an effort to live peacefully, but no longer. We will not stand by while our women and our young are slaughtered indiscriminately. We will use all our resources to develop weapons capable of defeating the imperialist Bud Forces.”

The statement also decried the recent “April 12th Massacre.” On that day, three spiders and two spider-allies – members of the so-called “Axis of Weevil” – were killed by Bud Forces in a matter of hours.

“We cannot confirm or deny the events of 12 April, but rest assured that once the facts of the engagement have been established, medals will be awarded to those responsible for their valorous acts of Bud defense,” Kopath said, when asked about the incident.


Incursions Rise Despite Bud Claims
Disassociated Press
31 August 2005

POMONA, N.Y. – Despite recent claims of an end to major combat, Axis of Weevil incursions reached a 24-hour record yesterday.

Seven separate attacks were recorded in the Bud’s Room Province between Monday and Tuesday evenings. The Forces for a Spider-Free Bud’s Room response reportedly resulted in the deaths of four spiders, two beetles, and one centipede.

The use of a new biological weapon, Ortho Home Defense Max, and the dramatic drop-off in insurgent activity, led FSFBR Command to declare the Province secure as recently as last week. The new spat of attacks, however, shows that the insurgency is far from over.

“As the infidels bring in new weapons, we will modify our tactics in order to continue this Jihad,” said Harry bin Arachnid, a spokesman for the Godless Communist Invading Spider Horde. “We will drive the imperialist Bud Forces out no matter what the eventual total cost may be.”

Bud Forces Command claims that the rise in the number of attacks is not necessarily an indication of a less secure province.

“It should be noted that none of these attacks resulted in a single FSFBR casualty, or any damage to property,” said Brigadier General Sy Kopath, FSFBR spokesman. “In each case the insurgent was intercepted and killed before completing their mission.”

“These insurgents are not indigenous. They are foreign beings desperately trying to disrupt the upcoming provincial elections,” Kopath said.

Despite the lack of casualties some people believe that Bud Forces should abandon the Province.

“We should just leave. We’ve caused enough destruction and wiped out a generation of spiders there,” said B. Leeding Hart, an anti-war protestor outside a ranch in Crawford, Texas.

Responding to claims that the insurgency is causing a lack of sleep within the FSFBR, Kopath said simply, “The price of peace is eternal vigilance.”

Sleep No More!

For Arthur H. Monigold

"Macbeth does murder sleep." Alas, I fear,
For all his genius, the Bard is mistook.
No, it was not the good Scot who crept near,
To steal innocent slumber, like a crook;
Nor did Claudius truly wrack sweet dreams
With "murder most foul" in Denmark’s garden.
'Tis but fiction, though foul indeed it seems
When guards prey upon moments unguarded;
In truth, 'twas one familial – one of trust,
That condemned me with his lies and incest,
Who used a child to sate his vile lust,
And damned me to endless nights without rest.
Weep, not for Dunsinane and Elsinore,
But for the child that lives, yet sleeps no more!

A Simple Desultory Poem for a Friend

For Sonia

"To make it burn you have to throw yourself in." - Galway Kinnell

We are left with only memories,
and the bitter pain they bring;
like the gentle recall of a perfume,
sweet as the first breath of Spring,
and skin, warm as sun-kissed grass;
as the course of human events
ebbs and flows through our lives,
ceaselessly pulling us farther and farther
from the place of peace we seek.

While the mind can imagine new love,
taking delight in the unknown and
living in the vicarious illusion of dreams,
we awake to endure the cruelty of solitude
and the numbing entropy of hope.
Despite the desultory touch of discontent,
your heart, repaired, though brittle,
will love again; trusting, like Sisyphus,
in the eventual success of its labours.

What could I promise you
that you haven’t already heard,
from much better men than I?
(Though their oaths, long shattered,
now lie strangled in the dust.)
I can not erase my human flaws;
only endure a Promethean fate,
while praying for the pure flame
to finally free my body and soul.

I could love one such as you,
anointing you as my Muse
and spilling my ink in praise;
if I were not already broken,
and the world were not as it is.
I’d reach up to steal the stars from Heaven
and wrap them in a box for you,
but you’d only make me put them back
so that all the world can see.