I am the Very Model of a Modern Model Officer

I am the Very Model of a Modern Model Officer
(Sung to the tune of Gilbert and Sullivan’s I am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General.)
By Bud Koenemund

I am the very model of a modern Model Officer;
Each day I deal with passengers both fanciful and comical;
I know the checkpoint positions, and work through them rotational;
From the floor, up to baggage, out on Atlas; I can do it all.

I know the SOP backwards and forwards unequivocal;
I quote the book so often some will surely call me know-it-all;
I follow every rule, even ones seeming antithetical,
Obliged to satisfy all my leaders organizational.

I endeavor to keep my TIP score greatly astronomical,
While keeping watch for explosives both man-made and organical;
I advise people to divest large objects electronical,
And, when their laptops are discovered they are held responsible.

At AIT, I operate the scanner most methodical,
To complete screening of folks who rarely step in a shower stall;
My actions keep the country safe from forces diabolical,
As I pat down groins to find things not strictly anatomical.

I deliberate on amounts of liquids, gels, and aerosols.
Without remorse, I dispose of bottles containing alcohol;
I toss away peanut butter according to our protocol;
And, seize all weapons ranging from pocket knives up to cannonballs.

I screen dogs, and cats, and fish, and every kind of animal;
I stumble upon Coke, and Meth, and other drugs botanical;
While avoiding Personal Pleasure Devices mechanical;
Striving to make our bag searches invasively minimal.

I beg for OLC time, and computers operational,
Completing, and repeating, courses which fade quickly from recall;
And attend Training Department classes battling caffeine withdrawal;
While learning ways to counter every threat geographical.

I attempt to maintain sanity with comments sarcastical;
Questioning passenger’s excuses and stories fantastical;
Maneuvering precisely around people packed-in wall-to-wall;
And, every day I ask myself why do I put up with it all?

In truth, my time here has been nothing short of tragi-comical;
I’ve witnessed displays of stupidity that are phenomenal;
I’ll take my pay from TSA until I hit the Powerball;
I am the very model of a modern Model Officer.