A Few Tips for Those of You Flying This Holiday Season

 By Bud Koenemund

  The TSA recommends that you arrive at the airport two hours before your flight. This means being AT the airport two hours before your flight. This DOES NOT mean just getting in your car two hours before the flight, then stopping for coffee, dropping off your dry cleaning, and searching for a last-minute gift before heading in the general direction of the airport. And, it DOES NOT mean joining the security queue five minutes before your flight is scheduled to begin boarding. Contrary to the belief banging around in your own head, you will not be the only person trying to catch a flight!

  Want the queue to move smoothly and – dare I say – quickly? Have your boarding pass and ID out, and ready to hand to the TSA Officer at the desk. If you’ve been in line for more than a few seconds, you’ve had time to prepare your documents. Hand them both to the officer at the same time, using one hand!

  Every airport is different – they have different technologies in use. Just because you kept your shoes on in Chicago, doesn’t mean you’ll keep them on in Scranton. Sometimes, the technology varies from lane to lane in the same airport. Listen to what the TSA Officers are telling you. They are not there because they want to slow your progress. They are actually telling you how to get through the checkpoint with minimal difficulties or delays.

  When it comes to your carry-on bags, 3.4 ounces of liquid means 3.4 ounces. Yes, that foot-tall bottle of shampoo is too large. It cannot go. It doesn’t matter if your water bottle is sealed. It cannot go. They don’t care if you just bought that Diet Coke in the gift shop right outside the check point. It cannot go. That grande, half-caff, soy, pumpkin spice, double mocaccino? It shall not pass! (This also goes for gels and aerosols larger than 3.4 ounces.)

  Think about what you’re packing in your carry-on bag. If you put food in your bag (I’m not talking about snacks here, I mean food like frozen steaks, chopped up raw fish, chicken, etc. Yes, they’ve seen all of these.) it will very likely be flagged for additional screening. If it’s wrapped in tinfoil, or a hundred layers of plastic wrap, it will be flagged. If you’re planning to take candles, or snow globes (larger than 3.4 ounces of water), or any foods that would fall under the liquids/gels/aerosols umbrella (peanut butter, cans of soup, cranberry sauce, cream cheese, etc.) put them in your checked bag. They will not be allowed through the check point.

  Before packing your bag (suitcase/backpack/duffel bag/ruck sack/etc.) make sure it’s empty! Go through every single pocket to ensure there are no prohibited items. Make sure there are no guns, no knives (no, that tiny pocket knife with the one-inch blade is NOT allowed), no bullets, no grenades, no brass knuckles, no mace/pepper spray, etc. In addition, replica weapons are not allowed. The TSA Officers will not believe you when you swear you have no idea how those things got in your bag.

  If you’re planning to transport Christmas presents in your carry-on bags, do not wrap them. If they look suspicious on the x-ray, the TSA may have to open them (and will not re-wrap them).

  Take ALL electronic devices larger than a cell phone out of your bag/backpack/ruck sack and place each of them in a separate bin, with NOTHING on top of or below them. This includes, but is not limited to: laptops, tablets, iPads, e-readers, video games, CPAP machines, universal TV remotes, George Foreman grills, cordless weed-wackers, chainsaws, etc. If in doubt, take it out.

  The TSA has really cool x-ray machines. If you leave it in your bag, they will find it. They will not let it slide. They will pull it out themselves, and re-run the bag, slowing down everyone.
(PS: If an Officer holds up your bag, and asks you if you left a tablet inside, DO NOT say, “It’s not a tablet, it’s an iPad.” Or, “It’s not an e-reader, it’s a Kindle.” They will laugh at you, and then take their sweet time finding it to re-run it.)

  Bring a Ziploc bag in which to place the contents of your pockets. Take EVERYTHING out of your pockets! Let me say that again because it sounds kind of important. TAKE. EVERY. THING. OUT. OF. YOUR. POCKETS! This doesn’t mean everything except your wallet. It doesn’t mean everything except the 37 cents in coins. It doesn’t mean everything except the Kleenex that’s been there for six weeks… Or your passport… Or your Chapstick… Or your boarding pass… Or your library card... Or the two Tylenol you were saving to take on the plane. ANYTHING left in your pockets WILL get you a pat down. Everything means EVERYTHING!

  And, while we’re on the subject of pat downs… Most people – and I’m talking about somewhere north of 90 percent of people – bring a pat down upon themselves. Can’t be bothered to empty your pockets? Pat down. You swear you have the one belt that won’t be detected? Pat down. Want to wear pants with zippered pockets/cuffs? Pat down. Wearing pants 10 sizes too large? Pat down. Want to wear sparkly/glittery/bedazzled clothing, or clothing with metallic threads? Pat down. Want to wear every piece of jewelry you own to the airport? Pat down. Blue jeans with a ton of designs stitched on the back pockets? You guessed it, pat down.

  Above all, use some common sense. Yes, I said it, COMMON SENSE! And, wear a mask!

Old Men, Old Books

By Bud Koenemund

  The old man – despite the protestations of his home nurse – struggled to throw off the blankets and stand. Teetering slightly, he shuffled across the thick carpet deliberately. Reaching one of the many dark cherry-wood bookshelves lining the walls, he lifted a thick tome, and then slowly returned to stand beside my chair.

  Watching him move, I prayed silently he would not fall.

  He held out the book in both hands, as if offering it to me.

  "See this?" he asked, opening the cover and pointing at its publication date. "1912. More than 100 years old."

  A whistle of sincere appreciation escaped my lips.

  "I doubt anyone will ever read on a 100 year old electronic gizmo," he said with a laugh that quickly turned into a choking cough.

  The nurse reached out for him before I could stand to help steady his frail body.

  "You take it," he said, thrusting the book toward me, when he finally caught his breath.

  "Oh, Sir; I couldn't take your…" I began.

  "It's not mine," he interrupted. "And, while it's filled with his words, it's not William Shakespeare's either. Though, he and I will be discussing it very soon."

  I smiled.

  "I'm not its owner any more than you will be. Those of us who love books – those like you and I – we're more like caretakers. I'm not its first, and I want to make sure I won't be its last. Take it, read the words; turn the pages, let them slip over your fingertips; savor the scent of it.

  I reached out for the book he still held.

  "I'm about to shuffle off the mortal coil, as Will would say," he croaked, "and, I don't want that lost in a dusty library basement, or hidden away in the private collection of some pretentious schmuck."

  I laughed as my fingers caressed the century old cracked leather cover. I fought the urge to open it immediately.

  "You could leave it to your family, or donate it, or have it put on display," I tried to counter.

  "Take it," he ordered. "Someday, when your time comes – and it will come – pass it on to someone else."

  "I can't thank you enough," I said, while his words turned over in my mind.

  "I've spent a lot of years trying to figure out what it is about books," he said. "The books we give as gifts mean something, I think. Maybe they say something about who we are. Or, about who or what we want the recipient to be."

  He turned back to his bed. As he climbed into the pile of blankets and pillows, I collected my things. Knowing it unlikely I would see him again – at least in this world – I thanked him once more for his time, and his gift.

  I descended the stairs haltingly, wanting to go back and ask one more question. I exited the front door meditating on what he'd said about books, and wondering what he wanted me to be.