A Few Tips for Those of You Flying This Holiday Season

 By Bud Koenemund

  The TSA recommends that you arrive at the airport two hours before your flight. This means being AT the airport two hours before your flight. This DOES NOT mean just getting in your car two hours before the flight, then stopping for coffee, dropping off your dry cleaning, and searching for a last-minute gift before heading in the general direction of the airport. And, it DOES NOT mean joining the security queue five minutes before your flight is scheduled to begin boarding. Contrary to the belief banging around in your own head, you will not be the only person trying to catch a flight!

  Want the queue to move smoothly and – dare I say – quickly? Have your boarding pass and ID out, and ready to hand to the TSA Officer at the desk. If you’ve been in line for more than a few seconds, you’ve had time to prepare your documents. Hand them both to the officer at the same time, using one hand!

  Every airport is different – they have different technologies in use. Just because you kept your shoes on in Chicago, doesn’t mean you’ll keep them on in Scranton. Sometimes, the technology varies from lane to lane in the same airport. Listen to what the TSA Officers are telling you. They are not there because they want to slow your progress. They are actually telling you how to get through the checkpoint with minimal difficulties or delays.

  When it comes to your carry-on bags, 3.4 ounces of liquid means 3.4 ounces. Yes, that foot-tall bottle of shampoo is too large. It cannot go. It doesn’t matter if your water bottle is sealed. It cannot go. They don’t care if you just bought that Diet Coke in the gift shop right outside the check point. It cannot go. That grande, half-caff, soy, pumpkin spice, double mocaccino? It shall not pass! (This also goes for gels and aerosols larger than 3.4 ounces.)

  Think about what you’re packing in your carry-on bag. If you put food in your bag (I’m not talking about snacks here, I mean food like frozen steaks, chopped up raw fish, chicken, etc. Yes, they’ve seen all of these.) it will very likely be flagged for additional screening. If it’s wrapped in tinfoil, or a hundred layers of plastic wrap, it will be flagged. If you’re planning to take candles, or snow globes (larger than 3.4 ounces of water), or any foods that would fall under the liquids/gels/aerosols umbrella (peanut butter, cans of soup, cranberry sauce, cream cheese, etc.) put them in your checked bag. They will not be allowed through the check point.

  Before packing your bag (suitcase/backpack/duffel bag/ruck sack/etc.) make sure it’s empty! Go through every single pocket to ensure there are no prohibited items. Make sure there are no guns, no knives (no, that tiny pocket knife with the one-inch blade is NOT allowed), no bullets, no grenades, no brass knuckles, no mace/pepper spray, etc. In addition, replica weapons are not allowed. The TSA Officers will not believe you when you swear you have no idea how those things got in your bag.

  If you’re planning to transport Christmas presents in your carry-on bags, do not wrap them. If they look suspicious on the x-ray, the TSA may have to open them (and will not re-wrap them).

  Take ALL electronic devices larger than a cell phone out of your bag/backpack/ruck sack and place each of them in a separate bin, with NOTHING on top of or below them. This includes, but is not limited to: laptops, tablets, iPads, e-readers, video games, CPAP machines, universal TV remotes, George Foreman grills, cordless weed-wackers, chainsaws, etc. If in doubt, take it out.

  The TSA has really cool x-ray machines. If you leave it in your bag, they will find it. They will not let it slide. They will pull it out themselves, and re-run the bag, slowing down everyone.
(PS: If an Officer holds up your bag, and asks you if you left a tablet inside, DO NOT say, “It’s not a tablet, it’s an iPad.” Or, “It’s not an e-reader, it’s a Kindle.” They will laugh at you, and then take their sweet time finding it to re-run it.)

  Bring a Ziploc bag in which to place the contents of your pockets. Take EVERYTHING out of your pockets! Let me say that again because it sounds kind of important. TAKE. EVERY. THING. OUT. OF. YOUR. POCKETS! This doesn’t mean everything except your wallet. It doesn’t mean everything except the 37 cents in coins. It doesn’t mean everything except the Kleenex that’s been there for six weeks… Or your passport… Or your Chapstick… Or your boarding pass… Or your library card... Or the two Tylenol you were saving to take on the plane. ANYTHING left in your pockets WILL get you a pat down. Everything means EVERYTHING!

  And, while we’re on the subject of pat downs… Most people – and I’m talking about somewhere north of 90 percent of people – bring a pat down upon themselves. Can’t be bothered to empty your pockets? Pat down. You swear you have the one belt that won’t be detected? Pat down. Want to wear pants with zippered pockets/cuffs? Pat down. Wearing pants 10 sizes too large? Pat down. Want to wear sparkly/glittery/bedazzled clothing, or clothing with metallic threads? Pat down. Want to wear every piece of jewelry you own to the airport? Pat down. Blue jeans with a ton of designs stitched on the back pockets? You guessed it, pat down.

  Above all, use some common sense. Yes, I said it, COMMON SENSE! And, wear a mask!

For Virginia O'Hanlon

Yes, once again, it's that time of the year. And, once again, I'm just not feeling in the "holiday" spirit. In spite of that -- or perhaps because of it -- here is my favorite newspaper editorial of all time. It was written in 1897, by Francis Pharcellus Church of the New York Sun. (No matter how depressed and cynical I get during the year, this always cheers me up.)

Merry Christmas!

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Is there a Santa Claus?

We take pleasure in answering at once and thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Sun:

Dear Editor:

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in The Sun, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

- Virginia O'Hanlon
115 West Ninety-Fifth Street

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.