'Twas the Night Before Shutdown

By Bud Koenemund

With apologies to Clement Moore

‘Twas the night before shutdown,
And all through PIT land
Every creature was stirring,
From podium to TDC stand.

The new hires were nestled close to their coaches
As a winding queue full of passengers approached.
Laptops were divested by DOs with care,
Along with shoes, and CPAPs, and products for hair.

X-ray ops still kept a keen eye;
Detecting those objects prohibited to fly.
And, bag checkers checked, as they are wont to do,
Ensuring those gigantic masses are only food.

AIT officers begged people to empty their pockets
Of coins, candy, gum, papers, and lockets;
Then, cleared inevitable groin alarms
Using a firm hashtag pattern, but causing no harm.

The Leads went mad, managing multiple lanes,
While half their team members moaned and complained
About getting their breaks and lunches too early or too late;
A daily occurrence that’s beginning to grate.

Supes ran forward and back, for numbers and IDs;
And, watched the organized chaos of their busy bees
Striving to keep the skies safe for democracy,
So that people and commerce can flow carefree.

Then, down in Washington, arose such a clatter –
A sad, sobering reminder that politics matter –
Our Representatives debated both to and fro
While in the balance hung the TSA’s payroll.

And, in the mind of each employee essential,
Crept the lack of a budget, and the shutdown potential.
They fretted ‘bout food, gas, and mortgages or rent;
Worrying over every single dollar and cent.

Though, as they work, they’ll find comfort in knowing
Congress gets paid while their anxiety’s growing;
Concerned about utilities and college tuition;
Left, by politicians, in compromising positions.

They are the red-headed step-children; considered exempt;
By the General Schedule held below contempt.
But, they show up and do their job day after day;
Even sometimes… occasionally… far too oft’… without pay.

I used to be a Republican.

By Bud Koenemund

(Written: September 2015)

Once upon a time, I was a Reagan Republican. I was a Conservative. I believed the Republican Party was truly trying to make the United States a better country. Included in that was increasing the freedom, and improving the lives and incomes, of every American.

But, I slowly came to realize this is not what they want. In the last 10 years, I’ve realized the GOP isn’t interested in “the people” – if they were, they’ve had any number of chances to show it. Instead, they’ve made it clear they don’t care about the majority of American citizens; they care only about the rich. They are only interested in securing more and larger tax cuts and subsidies for the wealthy and corporations. These entities receive tax breaks, tax cuts, loopholes, and exemptions worth millions – even billions – and then complain about the pennies falling off their counting tables to the poor – people seeking a living wage, adequate housing, affordable education.

Ronald Reagan promised trickle-down economics would help everyone. They say a rising tide lifts all boats, but, clearly, this is not the case. The rising tide – at least over my lifetime – has only flooded the pockets of the rich. And, this seems to be fine with the Republican Party.

Too many of the rich, the ones who actually could afford to pay higher taxes (or any taxes at all), use that money to hire lawyers/lobbyists to find ways around paying. Now, I’m not talking about raising taxes to some ridiculous level, nor wealth re-distribution. I think if you start a business, work hard and run it well, you deserve to make money. I’m talking about people with more money than they could spend in 10 lifetimes, who complain the poor are poor because they’re lazy. I’m talking about people who graduate college to a $200 million inheritance, and act like they built their world from nothing. And, seem to think everyone who isn’t like them is stupid, or lazy, or somehow less than they are.

Republicans are constantly fighting to pass legislation giving banks more and more power – and, not surprisingly, more money. And, still, the banks squeeze every dollar out those who can least afford it – the little guy; people who work a 40+ hour week, and still can’t support a family.

I was once young, and I thought I knew everything. That’s the way life is. You don’t know what you don’t know until much later. Sometimes, years later. But, I ask you, Gentle Reader, please don’t blindly believe the rhetoric spewed by The Republican Party; or Fox News; or Rush Limbaugh; or your teachers, or even your parents. And, for damned sure, don’t believe me, a stranger on the Internet.

Search for yourself. Look into how much the income of the top one percent has increased over the last 20 years. Look at how much the income of the bottom 50 percent has increased. Google how much money General Electric earned last year. Then search for how much they paid in taxes. Search for the amount we give US corporations in subsidies and/or tax breaks. Then search for how much money and how many jobs some of those corporations move overseas. Search for the percentage of Walmart workers receiving some form of public assistance.

After that, consider what the leaders of the Party think about women. Not what they say about women, but what they actually do. What do their actions reveal? Do they think women should be allowed to make decisions about their own health care? The answer is an obvious and overwhelming no. As we speak – OK, as I type, and you read – Republicans are trying to defund Planned Parenthood. In less than a week, Republicans want to shut down the government over this funding. Even though the last shut down (also Republican led) cost – by one estimate – $25 billion, 140,000 jobs, and caused a downgrade in the credit rating of the United States. Their “do it my way or I’ll take my ball and go home” attitude hurt the country. Oh, and last year, they cut funding for women’s health services.

Increasingly, many Republicans try to pass legislation, or deny equal rights, based on their religious beliefs, apparently forgetting that while the First Amendment guarantees freedom of religion, it also affords freedom from religion. They cannot seem to accept that The Bible is not the Constitution. For an example, look at the decades long fight to “allow” same-sex marriage? How many of the Republican Presidential candidates do not support same-sex marriage based on their own religious objections? They publicly support discrimination against an entire group (the LGBTQ community) of American citizens.

When President Obama was elected, Republican leaders in Congress decided they would obstruct everything he wanted to try. (Look it up, there’s a memo they sent out notifying members of this.) They have opposed every program intended to help those less fortunate than themselves – which, by the way, represents an overwhelming percentage of American citizens. They did this without presenting ideas of their own – though the President declared himself willing to listen to all sides, regardless of political party.

They opposed – still oppose, and continue trying to kill and/or defund – the Affordable Care Act (ObamaCare), which provides basic, minimal health insurance to millions, while even the newest members of Congress enjoy the best health insurance and care in the world.

The Republican Party evinces a marked lack of empathy, as if they cannot understand that everyone in the United States is not just like them. That others may go through things they’ll never have to experience. That because they are guaranteed a pension – after just one term in Congress – everyone else will also have a comfortable retirement.

I’m not – and don’t pretend to be – the smartest guy in the world. I’m probably not even the smartest guy in the office I’m seated in. But, I can try to understand what other people are going through. I can sympathize, and hope I never have to deal with situations that can ruin a person, or a family, socially, medically, and economically. And, at the same time, I can vote for candidates and parties that try to do a little more to help people – people who don’t have the word millionaire after their name.

It wasn’t one thing – one issue – that turned me from the Republican Party, but a realization – an awakening – to the Party’s true motivation. Why I would consider voting for the Liberal party? Because things in this country need to change, and the Republican Party has made it clear they see no need for this. I cannot, in good conscience, support what the Republican Party has become.

North Pole Announces Job Cuts

Santa's workshop "underwater" as Kringle appears before Congress

 

By Bud Koenemund

6 December 2012

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Disassociated Press) – Though surrounded by frozen wasteland, the North Pole has long been immune to cooling economic climates. Now, however, the world-wide financial crisis has reached into the icy expanse above the Arctic Circle.

  Santa Claus Incorporated today announced plans to cut more than 20 percent of its elven work force, and nearly 25 percent of its flying reindeer staff. The cuts come less than three weeks before Christmas – traditionally Santa Claus' busiest season – and were made in an effort to save money and streamline business operations, a North Pole spokesman said.

  "Decades of increasing production and delivery costs, as well as steadily rising elf and reindeer wages and health care costs have compelled us to downsize our workforce," said Yukon Cornelius.

  In an additional statement, SCI revealed the mortgage for Santa's workshop is underwater – the sale value of the workshop and surrounding property is worth less than the amount remaining on the mortgage.

  "SCI tried to re-finance this loan, but property values this far north have never been high, and it's difficult to make mortgage payments when you give away toys for free," said Cornelius.

  As the job cuts were being announced, Kris Kringle, CEO of Santa Claus Incorporated, appeared before the Joint Congressional Subcommittee for Supercilious Affairs to request a nearly $250 billion corporate bail-out package.

  During questioning by Rep. Barney Frank (D – MA), subcommittee chairman, Kringle admitted that Santa Claus stands in the growing shadow of a financial crisis.

  "Without a substantial aid package from Congress, Santa Claus could very well cease to exist," Kringle said. "We need an infusion of capital to sustain us while we re-vamp our operations."

  Frank pressed Kringle on the wisdom of his current business model and on repeated calls for cuts in management compensation.

  "From time immemorial, we have provided toys to children around the world, in exchange for nothing more than good behavior, stale cookies, and warm milk," Kringle said. "And, despite years of parental threats, we have never left a single child a lump of coal in their stocking. But, rising costs are forcing us to re-examine this generosity."

  "We must re-tool our plants and our workforce in order to produce toys more efficiently and at a lower cost, while at the same time, restoring the world's faith in Santa Claus," Kringle said.

  Committee member Senator Joe Lieberman (I – CT) questioned Kringle regarding the status of his mortgage.

  "Years ago, Chase – aware of our business model; our limited collateral and earning potential – approved our loan. They assured SCI real estate prices would continue to rise, and that there would always be more money available," Kringle claimed. "Now, we're drowning and they want to hand us a cement block.

  The International Brotherhood of Elves quickly responded to the announcement of job cuts and Kringle's statements before Congress.

  "Despite decades of poor treatment by management, especially a lack of dental care, the Elves have offered SCI several contract give-backs in an effort to preserve jobs," said a union leader who gave his name only as Hermey. "But, the problems at SCI extend far beyond our contract."

  "For years, SCI has been steadily cutting our workforce as they've outsourced more and more work to China and Korea in an effort to increase corporate profits. Unfortunately, toy quality has suffered and now consumers are turning to other sources for their Christmas gifts," Hermey said.

  Hermey cited SCI distribution of Chinese-manufactured toys containing lead-based paint as the primary factor for the decline in demand.

  Representatives of the Federated Union of Reindeer could not be reached for comment.

  At the White House, President Barack Obama said that he is watching the crisis closely.

  "We must not underestimate this crisis," Mr. Obama said. "If Santa Claus goes under, his suppliers and their employees will suffer as well."

  Several economic experts have warned ripples of SCI's fall could spread globally; even as far as Hanukkah Harry Industries – the largest competitor of Santa Claus.

  Rep. John Boehner, (R – OH), Speaker of the House of Representatives, is among several members of Congress opposed to a bail-out of Santa Claus.

  "This is not our crisis to solve. The North Pole is not U.S. territory and Mr. Kringle is not an American citizen," Boehner said. "He should petition Canada, Norway, or Russia; or perhaps even the United Nations for the emergency funding he needs."

  Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R – KY) seconded Boehner's rejection of aid.

  "We are not in the business of giving handouts to the 99 percent of individuals claiming to be in danger of losing their homes or small businesses in this economic crisis," he said.

 

  Kringle warned that without the bail-out funds, "Presents may not be delivered this Christmas Eve."

North Pole Announces Job Cuts, Kringle Appears Before Congress

A satirical look at the ever deepening financial crisis being felt around the world. (Written: December 2008)

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Although surrounded by frozen wasteland, the North Pole has always been immune to cooling economic climates. Now, however, the world-wide financial crisis has reached into the icy expanse above the Arctic Circle.

Santa Claus Incorporated today announced plans to cut more than 20 percent of its elven work force, and nearly 25 percent of its flying reindeer staff. The cuts come less than two weeks before Christmas – traditionally Santa Claus’ busiest season – and were made in an effort to save money and streamline business operations, a North Pole spokesman said.

“Decades of increasing production and delivery costs, as well as steadily rising elf and reindeer wages and health care costs have compelled us to downsize our workforce,” said Yukon Cornelius.

As the job cuts were being announced, Kris Kringle, CEO of Santa Claus Incorporated, or SCI, appeared before the Congressional Subcommittee for Supercilious Affairs to request a nearly $250 billion corporate bail-out package.

During questioning by Rep. Barney Frank (D – MA), subcommittee chairman, Kringle claimed that Santa Claus stands in the growing shadow of a financial crisis.

“Without a substantial aid package from Congress, Santa Claus could very well cease to exist,” Kringle said. “We need an infusion of capital to sustain us while we re-vamp our operations.”

Frank pressed Kringle on the wisdom of his current business model and on repeated calls for cuts in management compensation.

“From time immemorial, we have provided toys to children around the world, in exchange for nothing more than good behavior, stale cookies, and warm milk,” Kringle said. “And, despite years of parental threats, we have never left a single child a lump of coal in their stocking. But, rising costs are forcing us to re-examine this generosity.”

“We must re-tool our plants and our workforce in order to produce toys more efficiently and at a lower cost, while at the same time, restoring the world’s faith in Santa Claus,” Kringle said.

The International Brotherhood of Elves quickly responded to the announcement of job cuts and Kringle’s statements before Congress.

“Despite decades of poor treatment by management, especially a lack of dental care, the Elves have offered SCI several contract give-backs in an effort to preserve jobs,” said a union leader who gave his name only as Hermey. “But, the problems at SCI extend far beyond our contract.”

“For years, SCI has been steadily cutting our workforce as they’ve outsourced more and more work to China and Korea in an effort to increase corporate profits. Unfortunately, toy quality has suffered and now consumers are turning to other sources for their Christmas gifts,” Hermey said.

Hermey cited SCI distribution of Chinese-manufactured toys containing lead-based paint as a primary factor in the decline in demand.

Representatives of the Federated Union of Reindeer could not be reached for comment.

At the White House, President George W. Bush said that he is watching the crisis closely.

“We must not misunderestimate this crisis,” Mr. Bush said. “If Santa Claus goes under, his suppliers and their employees will suffer as well.”

Several economic experts have warned that the ripples of SCI’s fall could spread globally; even as far as Hanukkah Harry Industries – the largest competitor of Santa Claus.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi, (D – CA), Speaker of the House of Representatives, is among several members of Congress opposed to a bail-out of Santa Claus.

“This is not our crisis to solve…the North Pole is not U.S. territory and Mr. Kringle is not an American citizen,” Pelosi said. “He should petition Canada, Norway, or Russia; or perhaps even the United Nations for the emergency funding he needs.”

Kringle warns that without the bail-out funds, “Presents may not be delivered this Christmas Eve.”