I'm Burnin', I'm Burnin', I'm Burnin' for You!

By Bud Koenemund

  On this date in 2014, while working as a security guard at the headquarters of the Pittsburgh Steelers (a team I hate with the fire of 10,000 suns), I saved the building from burning to the ground.

  True story.

------------------------------

  Oh, so you want the long story?

  The Steelers had a guy come in to clean the very large hood over the stoves in the kitchen. He covered the stoves with cardboard -- to keep any soap from going in -- and hung plastic sheeting around the entire area.

  I went about my business while he banged around. I left the cafeteria to do my rounds. Upon ensuring that all three buildings within my area of responsibility were secure -- or relatively so -- I returned to the caf.

   While crossing the parking lot, I could see a flicking light -- a growing flickering -- through the windows and plastic.

  I expedited my return and located the cleaning guy in the supply room of the kitchen. I asked him -- already knowing the answer -- "Are there supposed to be flames?"

  He ran past me toward the stoves. I followed -- mostly out of morbid curiosity. He began removing flaming cardboard from the steel stoves -- located under steel hoods and backed by a stone tile wall -- and deposited it in a plastic garbage can filled with additional cardboard, plastic, and paper which then -- as if by magic; or, perhaps, merely science -- began burning.

  As he began to panic and blow on his singed fingers, I reached for the charged garden hose at our feet -- the hose he'd been using to clean the aforementioned hoods -- and proceeded to liberally apply water to everything in and around the garbage can -- including the cleaning guy.

  Luckily, our hero -- me. Or, you know, not -- extinguished the flames before they spread to the hanging plastic -- which led to the ceiling which was not made of steel -- and, more importantly, before the fire alarm activated.

  Cleaning guy had neglected to extinguish the pilot lights on the stoves before placing cardboard of them.

  Because the alarm did not activate, and the fire department did not respond, I did not write up an incident report that night. I figured the next day I would tell Steelers management what an idiot the cleaning guy was.

  I, of course, did not do another set of rounds until after the cleaning guy left.

  The next day, when I arrived at work, the head of Steelers security (not really my direct supervisor) told me he needed a report of what happened. So, I wrote up a version of the events, and included 27 8 by 10 color, glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what it was.

  To this day, only one person from the Steelers organization has ever said thank you.

Just a Thought...

By Bud Koenemund

Here's a little lesson I taught at physical therapy yesterday. A few therapists and patients were discussing the woeful performance of the Pittsburgh Pirates. They lamented that the team never really gets better. Now, it's well known that the team owner doesn't spend a lot (in relative terms) of money on the team. So, I explained that if they really wanted the team to get better, they should stop watching them; stop buying their merchandise, and stop going to their games. The owner has shown that he will give you what you accept. If you accept a team that struggles -- year after year -- to remain in the middle of the standings, that's what the owner will give -- while still making money for himself.
I told them this also translates to shopping. Does it annoy you when you go to Walmart, and they only have one cashier on duty -- while having 10-20 "self-checkout" lanes open? You're in a hurry, so you ring up your items (sans any kind of employee discount for doing their job). All while being watched by one employee and multiple cameras to ensure you're not cheating them by not ringing up every item. Well, it's the same principle. If you show Walmart that you'll do their job for them, they'll give you what you'll accept. Why put more cashiers on duty if the people will do it themselves?
But, if -- and I know this would be an inconvenience for a day, or two -- if 27 shoppers lined up at the one manned cash register, and refused to use the self-checkout lane, it would force Walmart to open another lane. And, if it happened again the next day, Walmart might get the message.
Well, it's just a thought.

'Twas the Night Before Shutdown

By Bud Koenemund

With apologies to Clement Moore

‘Twas the night before shutdown,
And all through PIT land
Every creature was stirring,
From podium to TDC stand.

The new hires were nestled close to their coaches
As a winding queue full of passengers approached.
Laptops were divested by DOs with care,
Along with shoes, and CPAPs, and products for hair.

X-ray ops still kept a keen eye;
Detecting those objects prohibited to fly.
And, bag checkers checked, as they are wont to do,
Ensuring those gigantic masses are only food.

AIT officers begged people to empty their pockets
Of coins, candy, gum, papers, and lockets;
Then, cleared inevitable groin alarms
Using a firm hashtag pattern, but causing no harm.

The Leads went mad, managing multiple lanes,
While half their team members moaned and complained
About getting their breaks and lunches too early or too late;
A daily occurrence that’s beginning to grate.

Supes ran forward and back, for numbers and IDs;
And, watched the organized chaos of their busy bees
Striving to keep the skies safe for democracy,
So that people and commerce can flow carefree.

Then, down in Washington, arose such a clatter –
A sad, sobering reminder that politics matter –
Our Representatives debated both to and fro
While in the balance hung the TSA’s payroll.

And, in the mind of each employee essential,
Crept the lack of a budget, and the shutdown potential.
They fretted ‘bout food, gas, and mortgages or rent;
Worrying over every single dollar and cent.

Though, as they work, they’ll find comfort in knowing
Congress gets paid while their anxiety’s growing;
Concerned about utilities and college tuition;
Left, by politicians, in compromising positions.

They are the red-headed step-children; considered exempt;
By the General Schedule held below contempt.
But, they show up and do their job day after day;
Even sometimes… occasionally… far too oft’… without pay.

BARE Study Reveals Shocking Truths About Pittsburgh Drivers

Disassociated Press
24 October 2015

  A new BARE study has revealed some shocking - though not wholly unexpected - truths about people who drive in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

  Among the things researchers discovered:

  82.7 percent of Pittsburgh drivers were unaware their car is equipped with turn signals.

  Half of Pittsburgh drivers who are aware turn signals exist refuse to use them, claiming them to be "the work of the devil."

  99.6 percent of Pittsburgh drivers see no problem with making a left turn from the right lane (even from two lanes over) and vice versa.

  94 percent of Pittsburgh drivers were unaware of the large green reflective signs posted above roadways which direct them to proper lanes.

  99.3 percent of Pittsburgh drivers believe that a traffic light turning red indicates three more cars may traverse the intersection before anyone must stop.

  53.4 percent of Pittsburgh drivers freely admit their only purpose on the road is to slow down other drivers.

  97.1 percent of Pittsburgh drivers were unaware of the purpose or meaning of solid lines painted on the roadway.

  92.7 percent of Pittsburgh drivers were unaware curved arrows painted on the ground in front of them means they are in a turn only lane.

  85.8 percent of Pittsburgh drivers believed stop signs only need be obeyed if other cars are visible.

  99.997 percent of Pittsburgh drivers were unaware there are other drivers on the roads. Many disputed the researcher's claims.