New York Mets Eliminated from Playoff Race

Announcement Comes Hours Before Season's First Pitch

FLUSHING, NY  (Disassociated Press) – In a move sure to stun many fans of the New York Mets, team officials today announced that the team has been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention this season.

  The admission came at Citi Field, just hours before the first pitch in the Mets season opener against the Washington Nationals.

  “We just feel that it’s important to be truthful with our fan base,” said Sandy Alderson, Mets General Manager.

  Alderson told reporters that a small group made up of team management looked into the team’s chances during spring training in Florida.

  “We looked at our roster, our current and recent injuries, and we looked at what has happened over the last several seasons,” Alderson said.  “Unfortunately, we determined that this team stood a snowballs chance in Hell of making the playoffs this season.”

  Following consecutive late season collapses in 2007 and 2008, Mets players suffered a frightening string of injuries in 2009, which virtually crippled the team for most of the year.

  “Truthfully,” Alderson said, “at this point, there’s a better chance that the world actually will end in 2015 than there is of the Mets playing even .500 baseball this season…much less make the post-season.”

  Mets players and coaches were disappointed by the announcement.

  “Baseball has been very, very good to me, but not this year,” Chico Escuela, Mets outfielder, said through an interpreter.

  “What can I say?  Sadly, eternal optimism doesn’t live in Queens anymore,” said Terry Collins, Mets Manager.  “All we can ask is that our fans wait ‘til next year…again.”

Satire and "The Line"

  As a writer, I am always leery of passing too harsh a judgment on other writers; especially when it comes to attempts at satire. As George Carlin says, "I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

  I've written my share of satire. I've toed – perhaps even crossed – that line more than once. I've made word choices for effect. But, what The Onion did last night during the Academy Awards – what they called Quvenzhané Wallis, a nine-year-old child – was well over any possible definition of "the line."

  While I certainly am not the final judge of what is or isn't funny – at least not for anyone but myself – I think any rational person would be offended by The Onion's insulting remark regarding Ms. Wallis.

  Because she was seated at the Oscar ceremony, waiting to find out if she won the award for Best Actress, I'm sure Ms. Wallis did not see the Twitter post from The Onion. And – though it may be naïve of me – I hope she does not see the apology they posted soon after. I hope no one has to explain to a nine-year-old what The Onion said that required – that demanded – an apology.

  I believe in the First Amendment. The Onion has the right to write whatever they please. I, however, am not forced to agree with them. Nor, am I obligated to continue following them on Facebook, Google+, Tumblr, and Twitter.

  I have, therefore, expunged The Onion from each of the social media platforms I use.

Pakistani Intelligence Finds Waldo

Disassociated Press
6 July 2011

ISLAMABAD – In a stunning announcement, Pakistan’s Directorate for Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI) today announced that it has found Waldo.

The bespectacled cartoon explorer, on the run since 1987, was tracked down at a beach party near Karachi, by a special team of analysts formed after Osama bin Laden was killed by American forces in May.

“From now on, when the children of the world want to know where Waldo is, you can tell them he’s in a Pakistani prison, and that’s where he’s going to stay,” said Lieutenant General Ahmad Shuja Pasha, Director of ISI.

“We put our best and brightest on this search,” said Pasha. “And, they did not fail us.”

Although few details about the actual capture were released, Pasha displayed several still photographs he claims show a Pakistani special forces team raiding a “Sweet 16” party being held on the beach at Hawke’s Bay.

Several members of the media attempted, unsuccessfully, to locate Waldo amongst the crowd of partygoers in the photographs, and questioned his actual presence.

“He was there, and now we have him,” Pasha assured the media.

Pasha stated that more raids could occur soon.

“We’re currently conducting follow-up operations using actionable intelligence obtained from Waldo,” said Pasha. “We are confident that other characters – such as Calvin and Hobbes, and Godot – who are being hunted around the world will soon be located and taken into custody.”

Pasha denied American involvement in the capture of Waldo.

“Absolutely not,” he said, when asked about U.S. assistance.

“In fact, it is because the Americans were finally off our backs about Osama that we were able to find Waldo,” he said. “We had so many assets focused on Osama – running here, there, and everywhere for the Americans – that this dangerous criminal continually slipped through our fingers.”

None of the team members responsible for the capture spoke with the media, but one ISI official, who identified himself only as “Peggy,” did.

“Truthfully, this was much more difficult than [finding] bin Laden,” “Peggy” said. “Bin Laden was staying in one place. Waldo was constantly on the move, hiding in large groups of people, in countries around the world.”

“Seriously, he was hiding right down the street from a military academy. Who would’ve guessed that?” he asked members of the media.

“Peggy” hinted that many in the ISI feel like they have been vindicated for what some in the west see as their agency’s long-term failure in the hunt for bin Laden.

“Did the CIA find Waldo? Did MI5? Did Russia’s FSB?” “Peggy” demanded. “No! ISI found him and will bring him to justice.”

Though never formally indicted for any crimes in the western world, Waldo has been accused of countless cross border incursions, after popping up in dozens of countries, apparently without passing through customs inspections.

The Day My Marriage Ended - April 1, 2004

This date always brings back the pain of how my marriage crumbled so quickly. You may have heard about it. If not, below are the news reports.

Sadly, when it comes to heartbreak, what happens in Vegas, doesn't stay in Vegas!

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Spears Weds Outlook Editor
Bard Wire Report
April 1, 2004

Las Vegas (Bard Wire) – Oops, she did it again! For the second time in two months Britney Spears has married.

A publicist for the pop-princess announced today that Spears tied the knot after a recent performance at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas.

The small ceremony took place in the wedding chapel of the Excalibur Hotel and Casino just after 4 a.m. on Sunday, Mar. 7.

According to her publicist, Spears, age 22, married Bud Koenemund, age 35. Koenemund is reportedly the Editor-in-Chief of Outlook Student Press, the newspaper of SUNY/Rockland Community College, a small school 25 miles north of New York City.

“I don’t know what it is about that town [Las Vegas], it just makes me want to get married…I think it’s the overwhelming class surrounding everything there,” the new Mrs. Spears-Alexander-Koenemund wrote in a statement released to the press.

Koenemund, who was in Las Vegas for a journalism convention, held a brief press conference today.

“Britney and I are insanely happy together, and we plan to remain that way for the rest of our lives,” he said.

Several reporters asked Koenemund what attracted him to Spears.

“Well, there is her obvious physical beauty, but Britney also possesses a surprising, almost encyclopedic, knowledge of the works of William Shakespeare. What could be sexier than that?” he said.

When reached for comment, Spears answered a similar question.

“He made me laugh. He comes on very serious, but once you get to know him deep-down, he’s very funny,” she said.

Friends of Koenemund doubted a wedding day would ever arrive for the editor.

“Bud may chance have some odd quirks and remnants of wit broken on him, because he had railed so long against marriage,” Benedick Padua joked. “But doth not the appetite alter?” he added.

On Jan. 3 of this year, Spears married hometown friend, Jason Allan Alexander, but the union was annulled only 55 hours later. This is the first marriage for Koenemund.

In a related story, Las Vegas Police and members of MGM Grand security are investigating how a student journalist from New York gained back-stage access at the hotel.

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Spears Dumps Editor, Ends Second Marriage
Bard Wire Report
April 1, 2004

Las Vegas (Bard Wire) – Britney Spears’ second attempt at marriage has ended. Her union with New York newspaper editor Bud Koenemund lasted only three and a half weeks.

The couple officially separated earlier today, according to their respective spokespeople.

Though brief by conventional standards, this marriage outlasted her first by more than three weeks.

Reportedly, the trouble in paradise was due to jealousy, and the long-distance nature of the relationship.

According to a source close to Spears, Britney couldn’t handle the fact that Bud was constantly surrounded by young, scantily-clad, college girls.

A spokesperson for Koenemund told a different story however.

Benedick Padua presented copies of public documents pertaining to Spears’ brief marriage to Jason Allan Alexander showing that Spears is, in fact, still legally married to Alexander.

The documents, available at thesmokinggun.com, plainly show that a marriage license was issued to Britney Jean Spears and Jason Allen Alexander. However, only 55 hours after the wedding, an annulment request was granted to Britney Jean Spears and Jason Allan Alexander.

“The misspelling probably wouldn’t be enough to overturn the annulment,” said George Dewey, a partner in the Las Vegas law firm Dewey, Skrewem, & Howe.

Apparently, it was enough for Koenemund.

“Although Bud is deeply saddened by the ending of his marriage, he has no interest in being ‘the other man’,” Padua said, “he doesn’t want to be used only for his body, like some brainless piece of meat.”

Legal experts on both sides commented that the divorce proceedings in a case like this could get very nasty.

Mets Eliminated From Playoff Race

Announcement Comes Hours Before Season’s First Pitch

FLUSHING, NY (Pirate Press) – In a move sure to stun many fans of the New York Mets, team officials today announced that the team has been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention this season.

The admission came at Citi Field, just hours before the first pitch in Friday's season opener against the Florida Marlins.

"We just feel that it's important to be truthful with our fan base," said Sandy Alderson, Mets General Manager.

Alderson told reporters that a small group made up of team management looked into the team's chances during spring training in Florida.

"We looked at our roster, our current and recent injuries – including those of [supposed franchise shortstop] Jose Reyes - and we looked at what has happened over the last four seasons," Alderson said. "Unfortunately, we determined that this team stood a snowballs chance in Hell of making the playoffs this season."

Following consecutive late season collapses in 2007 and 2008, Mets players suffered a frightening string of injuries in 2009, which virtually crippled the team for most of the year. The 2010 season proved no better.

"After those three seasons, frankly, we expected a strong rebound in 2010, but we came out of the gate snakebit and never recovered," said Omar Minaya, former Mets General Manager.

Minaya was fired - along with Mets manager Jerry Manuel - following the 2010 season.

"It seemed like every single thing that could go wrong did," Minaya added, "from dropped pop flies against the Yankees, to our closer breaking his hand punching an old man, we saw it all in 2010."

"Truthfully," Alderson said, "at this point, there's a better chance that the world actually will end in 2012 than there is of the Mets playing even .500 baseball this season…much less make the post-season."

Mets players and coaches were disappointed by the announcement.

"Baseball has been very, very good to me, but not this year," Chico Escuela, Mets outfielder, said through an interpreter.

"What can I say? Sadly, eternal optimism doesn't live in Queens anymore," said Terry Collins, current manager of the Mets. "All we can ask is that our fans wait 'til next year…again."

"Fat Tuesday" is Insulting to Obese Americans

Just a little satire for Mardi Gras.

My friends, I am fed up with the city of New Orleans. I said, brothers and sisters, I am fed up with the city of New Orleans. I am as mad as Hell, and I tell you I will take it no more! I am sick and tired of being annually insulted, degraded, jeered, mocked, and slurred.

The city and citizens of New Orleans ask for our help in rebuilding, yet they continue to use their paganistic Mardi Gras celebration as an excuse to taunt millions of overweight Americans with their observance of "Fat Tuesday." Fat Tuesday? What, I ask you, is there to celebrate about being Fat? Are these heathens and the tourists they attract celebrating the increase in heart disease and diabetes brought about by being overweight?

Do they celebrate the fact that many overweight Americans are heading for an early grave? Do they not care how hurtful the word "Fat" can be? What will they celebrate next, Wide-ass Wednesday? Fried Foods Friday? Accept this outrage no longer, friends!

As one of the growing masses (in numbers and in girth) of overweight Americans, I call on you to join my new group: the Organization to Reduce Excessively Offensive Slogans (O.R.E.O.S.). We demand that "Fat Tuesday" be immediately renamed a more politically correct "Obese Tuesday." We will no longer sit idly by -- eating our Twinkies and Ring-Dings -- while unthinking and unfeeling people continue to use a term as offensive as "Fat."

Say it loud and say it proud my friends; "No Justice, No Peas…or Carrots, Celery, and Corn!"

In addition, we will soon be filing a lawsuit against New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin for fraudulently claiming that New Orleans will be a "Chocolate City." This blatant attempt to lure obese people to New Orleans with the false promise of nearly unlimited sweets will not be allowed to continue.

Thank you America!

Bud Koenemund
Grand High Exalted Poobah of O.R.E.O.S.

North Pole Announces Job Cuts, Kringle Appears Before Congress

A satirical look at the ever deepening financial crisis being felt around the world. (Written: December 2008)

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Although surrounded by frozen wasteland, the North Pole has always been immune to cooling economic climates. Now, however, the world-wide financial crisis has reached into the icy expanse above the Arctic Circle.

Santa Claus Incorporated today announced plans to cut more than 20 percent of its elven work force, and nearly 25 percent of its flying reindeer staff. The cuts come less than two weeks before Christmas – traditionally Santa Claus’ busiest season – and were made in an effort to save money and streamline business operations, a North Pole spokesman said.

“Decades of increasing production and delivery costs, as well as steadily rising elf and reindeer wages and health care costs have compelled us to downsize our workforce,” said Yukon Cornelius.

As the job cuts were being announced, Kris Kringle, CEO of Santa Claus Incorporated, or SCI, appeared before the Congressional Subcommittee for Supercilious Affairs to request a nearly $250 billion corporate bail-out package.

During questioning by Rep. Barney Frank (D – MA), subcommittee chairman, Kringle claimed that Santa Claus stands in the growing shadow of a financial crisis.

“Without a substantial aid package from Congress, Santa Claus could very well cease to exist,” Kringle said. “We need an infusion of capital to sustain us while we re-vamp our operations.”

Frank pressed Kringle on the wisdom of his current business model and on repeated calls for cuts in management compensation.

“From time immemorial, we have provided toys to children around the world, in exchange for nothing more than good behavior, stale cookies, and warm milk,” Kringle said. “And, despite years of parental threats, we have never left a single child a lump of coal in their stocking. But, rising costs are forcing us to re-examine this generosity.”

“We must re-tool our plants and our workforce in order to produce toys more efficiently and at a lower cost, while at the same time, restoring the world’s faith in Santa Claus,” Kringle said.

The International Brotherhood of Elves quickly responded to the announcement of job cuts and Kringle’s statements before Congress.

“Despite decades of poor treatment by management, especially a lack of dental care, the Elves have offered SCI several contract give-backs in an effort to preserve jobs,” said a union leader who gave his name only as Hermey. “But, the problems at SCI extend far beyond our contract.”

“For years, SCI has been steadily cutting our workforce as they’ve outsourced more and more work to China and Korea in an effort to increase corporate profits. Unfortunately, toy quality has suffered and now consumers are turning to other sources for their Christmas gifts,” Hermey said.

Hermey cited SCI distribution of Chinese-manufactured toys containing lead-based paint as a primary factor in the decline in demand.

Representatives of the Federated Union of Reindeer could not be reached for comment.

At the White House, President George W. Bush said that he is watching the crisis closely.

“We must not misunderestimate this crisis,” Mr. Bush said. “If Santa Claus goes under, his suppliers and their employees will suffer as well.”

Several economic experts have warned that the ripples of SCI’s fall could spread globally; even as far as Hanukkah Harry Industries – the largest competitor of Santa Claus.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi, (D – CA), Speaker of the House of Representatives, is among several members of Congress opposed to a bail-out of Santa Claus.

“This is not our crisis to solve…the North Pole is not U.S. territory and Mr. Kringle is not an American citizen,” Pelosi said. “He should petition Canada, Norway, or Russia; or perhaps even the United Nations for the emergency funding he needs.”

Kringle warns that without the bail-out funds, “Presents may not be delivered this Christmas Eve.”

yPad - the Latest Technological Innovation

Recently, a friend of mine suggested that if a patron of the arts were to bestow upon her an Apple iPad, it would help to "enhance her writing." My initial thought was, "If you need technology to 'enhance' your writing, perhaps there is a deeper issue with your work."

Cruel? Perhaps; but not intentionally so. My only meaning is: if the words, the rhythm, the rhyme, etc., aren't there to begin with, all the high-priced, cutting-edge technology in the world isn't going to truly help your work.

Despite my doubts, I set out upon a quest for a tool to help my friend. I have, Gentle Readers, succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. Below are images of the latest technological innovation for writers of every age and ability.