I'm Burnin', I'm Burnin', I'm Burnin' for You!

By Bud Koenemund

  On this date in 2014, while working as a security guard at the headquarters of the Pittsburgh Steelers (a team I hate with the fire of 10,000 suns), I saved the building from burning to the ground.

  True story.

------------------------------

  Oh, so you want the long story?

  The Steelers had a guy come in to clean the very large hood over the stoves in the kitchen. He covered the stoves with cardboard -- to keep any soap from going in -- and hung plastic sheeting around the entire area.

  I went about my business while he banged around. I left the cafeteria to do my rounds. Upon ensuring that all three buildings within my area of responsibility were secure -- or relatively so -- I returned to the caf.

   While crossing the parking lot, I could see a flicking light -- a growing flickering -- through the windows and plastic.

  I expedited my return and located the cleaning guy in the supply room of the kitchen. I asked him -- already knowing the answer -- "Are there supposed to be flames?"

  He ran past me toward the stoves. I followed -- mostly out of morbid curiosity. He began removing flaming cardboard from the steel stoves -- located under steel hoods and backed by a stone tile wall -- and deposited it in a plastic garbage can filled with additional cardboard, plastic, and paper which then -- as if by magic; or, perhaps, merely science -- began burning.

  As he began to panic and blow on his singed fingers, I reached for the charged garden hose at our feet -- the hose he'd been using to clean the aforementioned hoods -- and proceeded to liberally apply water to everything in and around the garbage can -- including the cleaning guy.

  Luckily, our hero -- me. Or, you know, not -- extinguished the flames before they spread to the hanging plastic -- which led to the ceiling which was not made of steel -- and, more importantly, before the fire alarm activated.

  Cleaning guy had neglected to extinguish the pilot lights on the stoves before placing cardboard of them.

  Because the alarm did not activate, and the fire department did not respond, I did not write up an incident report that night. I figured the next day I would tell Steelers management what an idiot the cleaning guy was.

  I, of course, did not do another set of rounds until after the cleaning guy left.

  The next day, when I arrived at work, the head of Steelers security (not really my direct supervisor) told me he needed a report of what happened. So, I wrote up a version of the events, and included 27 8 by 10 color, glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what it was.

  To this day, only one person from the Steelers organization has ever said thank you.

Spaghetti

By Bud Koenemund

  The question hung in the air long enough for him to know her answer would be a lie.
  “No,” Amy said, finally.
  The right corner of his mouth curved up, just a millimeter.
  “Never?” he challenged. “Not even all the times you two went on vacation together, and got drunk every night?”
  More silence. He waited.
  “Well…” she began. “Once, in Cabo – we were both buzzed – I woke up during the night, and May was between my legs, eating me out.”
  “What did you do?” he asked.
  “What do you mean?” she returned.
  “Did you tell her to stop?” he pressed.
  “N… no,” she admitted.
  “Then you liked it?” he observed.
  “No,” she objected, a little too vehemently.
  “Then, why didn’t you stop her?” he charged.
  Her gaze fell to the floor.
  “Because, I wanted to cum,” she whispered.
  “So, you liked it,” he stated.
  “I mean… in the moment,” she allowed. “Yes.”
  He tried to reply, but she interrupted.
  “I’m straight,” she blurted. “I would never do that sober.”
  “What you do drunk is what your subconscious wants,” he countered.
  She didn’t protest. A soft knock drew their attention to the door. A moment later, May entered the room.

You'll Be Damned

By Bud Koenemund

A 100 Word Story

  The hardest part of accepting you’re not a superhero anymore is the realization that truth, justice, and the American way aren’t black and white. They all exist in shades of gray. And, one day – perhaps more than one – you have to make the decision to do a little wrong in order to do a greater right. The difficulty isn’t in worrying about being caught by someone else: it’s living with yourself; with the death of your idealism. After believing in something with everything you are – then violating it – you feel your heart break… and know you’ll be damned for it.

The Deepest Wounds

By Bud Koenemund

A 100 Word Story

  I don’t hate you for breaking my heart. In truth, I expected it; waited for “the bomb” to drop right from day one. It’s the story of my life, really; I’m used to it. But, I didn’t expect to be stabbed in the back… the blade killing trust and affection in one thrust.
  Sadly, the deepest wounds are inflicted by those held in closest confidence. Despite the danger, we let them in – even provide them with the weapon – and turn a blind eye to the risk. And, as love bleeds out, animosity and the rot of indifference corrupts the soul.

Consent

By Bud Koenemund

A 100 Word Story

  “Why don’t you touch me?” she asked, once the elevator door closed and they were alone.
  “Excuse me,” he returned.
  “Every other man here touches me as they walk past,” she said. “My back; or my shoulders; as they move around me.”
  For several moments, he remained silent.
  “I would never put my hands on you without your consent,” he said, finally.
  “And, if I gave you my consent?” she asked, stepping toward him.
  “Then, I would put my hand on your cheek, tilt your head up, and kiss you,” he whispered, staring into her eyes.
  The door slid open.

The Media is Not Alone to Blame

By Bud Koenemund

  Sure, it would be nice if the media would, as Bill Maher urges, "calm down." But, you have to remember the "frenzy" is what many platforms – across the political spectrum – live for. They want the craziness, and the violence, and the disasters, and the pandemics (Hello; H1N1, Ebola, SARS, etc.), because it equals ratings. They need eyeballs glued to televisions, or newspapers, or computer screens in order to make money.

  The panel shows found on many cable news channels are much the same. They'll tell you what happened, or what might happen, then turn to a group of "pundits," to tell you what to think about it. And, it's usually only a matter of time until one of these people makes some outlandish statement or prediction meant to stir up the masses – the truth be damned. This is, of course, meant to ensure viewers will tune in to see what they'll say tomorrow.

  Instead of – or perhaps, in addition to – the media changing how they do what they do, I'd prefer we foster more people who have been taught to think for themselves; who can take in information, process it, and come to their own rational conclusions.

  Sadly, in this day and age of constantly shrinking education budgets, and growing – misguided – anti-intellectual attitudes, I don't see that happening any time soon. Once again, as Pogo warns: "We have met the enemy, and he is us."

Big Lies and Big Brother

By Bud Koenemund

  It's brilliant actually. The mainstream media tries to do their job; calling out lies, illustrating potential conflicts of interest, and exposing the past of his nominees. But he declares it "fake news," even while demanding the press do their job. Regrettably, the ignorant and The Deplorables blindly accept -- even rabidly parrot -- this.
  The only official news has become that spouted by Big Brother. The only truth is the "truth" from Big Brother. He threatens that contradiction will be punished. "Alternative facts" quickly become the norm. We are to pay no attention to what was said last week; the "truth" is what they say now. It is true, and has always been true.
  Joseph Goebbels would be proud, and George Orwell would be impressed.

A Fly on the Wall at Trump Headquarters

By Bud Koenemund

  I would love to sit in on a ManChild Trump campaign strategy meeting. I’d be fascinated to learn if the word “no” is ever spoken. Is anyone brave enough to advise MCT this or that stance might not be wise, since he voiced the opposite position just weeks or months before? Does anyone attempt to deliver gentle reminders that the Internet exists, and anything said will be fact checked seconds after it leaves his mouth?

  Or, does his staff chase after MCT like Mr. Salt following Veruca around the chocolate factory; afraid he’ll throw a tantrum, or threaten to tell mommy; sulk, or hold his breath until he gets his way? Do they simply creep around the halls, and cower behind their desks, waiting (as a friend recently posited) for the big payday if MCT wins?

  I wonder if campaign headquarters resembles The Ministry of Truth in Nineteen Eighty-Four. Minion who could work out the truth if they dared to think, silently following orders; dutifully typing up the latest pronouncements of their infallible leader lest they be hauled off to Room 101 of MCT Tower and clamped in whatever torture device haunts their nightmares. “Last week we were at war with Eastasia, but this week we’re fighting to protect the LGBTQ community…well, OK.”

New York Mets Eliminated from Playoff Race

Announcement Comes Hours Before Season's First Pitch

FLUSHING, NY  (Disassociated Press) – In a move sure to stun many fans of the New York Mets, team officials today announced that the team has been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention this season.

  The admission came at Citi Field, just hours before the first pitch in the Mets season opener against the Washington Nationals.

  “We just feel that it’s important to be truthful with our fan base,” said Sandy Alderson, Mets General Manager.

  Alderson told reporters that a small group made up of team management looked into the team’s chances during spring training in Florida.

  “We looked at our roster, our current and recent injuries, and we looked at what has happened over the last several seasons,” Alderson said.  “Unfortunately, we determined that this team stood a snowballs chance in Hell of making the playoffs this season.”

  Following consecutive late season collapses in 2007 and 2008, Mets players suffered a frightening string of injuries in 2009, which virtually crippled the team for most of the year.

  “Truthfully,” Alderson said, “at this point, there’s a better chance that the world actually will end in 2015 than there is of the Mets playing even .500 baseball this season…much less make the post-season.”

  Mets players and coaches were disappointed by the announcement.

  “Baseball has been very, very good to me, but not this year,” Chico Escuela, Mets outfielder, said through an interpreter.

  “What can I say?  Sadly, eternal optimism doesn’t live in Queens anymore,” said Terry Collins, Mets Manager.  “All we can ask is that our fans wait ‘til next year…again.”

Internet - A Haiku for NaPoWriMo

By Bud Koenemund

Internet

Everyone is

standing in a room screaming,
while looking at porn.

A Haiku, for the Start of National Poetry Writing Month

By Bud Koenemund

The Better Part of Valor

For Chelsea Cohen

Often, the plain truth

is best left unspoken; it

only causes pain.

God is Gay

For Gov. Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, and Pat Robertson

God is Gay
God is Straight
God is Developmentally Disabled
God is a Rocket Scientist
God is Physically Deformed
God is a Supermodel
God is Black
God is White
God is Red
God is Yellow
God is a Man
God is a Woman
God is a Child
God is a Christian
God is a Muslim
God is a Jew
God is an Atheist
God is a Democrat
God is a Republican
God is an Independent
God is a Red Sox fan
God is a Yankee fan
God is You
God is Me

If God made us in his own image, he made all of us in that image.

He is just like each of us…

…except without the ignorance and mindless hate.

Mets Eliminated From Playoff Race

Announcement Comes Hours Before Season’s First Pitch

FLUSHING, NY (Pirate Press) – In a move sure to stun many fans of the New York Mets, team officials today announced that the team has been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention this season.

The admission came at Citi Field, just hours before the first pitch in Friday's season opener against the Florida Marlins.

"We just feel that it's important to be truthful with our fan base," said Sandy Alderson, Mets General Manager.

Alderson told reporters that a small group made up of team management looked into the team's chances during spring training in Florida.

"We looked at our roster, our current and recent injuries – including those of [supposed franchise shortstop] Jose Reyes - and we looked at what has happened over the last four seasons," Alderson said. "Unfortunately, we determined that this team stood a snowballs chance in Hell of making the playoffs this season."

Following consecutive late season collapses in 2007 and 2008, Mets players suffered a frightening string of injuries in 2009, which virtually crippled the team for most of the year. The 2010 season proved no better.

"After those three seasons, frankly, we expected a strong rebound in 2010, but we came out of the gate snakebit and never recovered," said Omar Minaya, former Mets General Manager.

Minaya was fired - along with Mets manager Jerry Manuel - following the 2010 season.

"It seemed like every single thing that could go wrong did," Minaya added, "from dropped pop flies against the Yankees, to our closer breaking his hand punching an old man, we saw it all in 2010."

"Truthfully," Alderson said, "at this point, there's a better chance that the world actually will end in 2012 than there is of the Mets playing even .500 baseball this season…much less make the post-season."

Mets players and coaches were disappointed by the announcement.

"Baseball has been very, very good to me, but not this year," Chico Escuela, Mets outfielder, said through an interpreter.

"What can I say? Sadly, eternal optimism doesn't live in Queens anymore," said Terry Collins, current manager of the Mets. "All we can ask is that our fans wait 'til next year…again."