22 April 2011

Will's Power

For the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust's Blogging Shakespeare Birthday Project - 23 April 2011
(www.happybirthdayshakespeare.com)


O for a muse of fire, that would ascend the brightest Heaven of invention...
- William Shakespeare, Henry V

Usually – though not always – it’s best to begin…well, at the beginning. The first Shakespeare I remember being exposed to was in my eighth grade English class. We read Romeo and Juliet out loud, in class. I hated it! Being a shy kid, I resented being made to read in front of the class. And, I’ll admit, I didn’t get much of what Will was saying.

After R&J, we read Macbeth. That was better. Witches and sword fights, ghosts and bloody murders, suicide and a severed head – that was cool. Though, again, I didn’t understand many of the words, and I was too young to appreciate the language Will used.

The first Shakespeare I ever truly understood was Henry V. In 1991, I was serving in the United States Army in the Republic of Panama. One afternoon – in between missions to the darkest jungles you can imagine and cutthroat games of Dungeons & Dragons – one of my roommates, Darryl Weeden, got his hands on a VHS copy of Kenneth Branagh's film adaptation of the play. Darryl all but forced us – our other two roommates and I – to watch it with him.

I enjoyed it right from the start: Canterbury’s intrigue; Hal’s response to the Dauphin’s gift; his speech when treason is discovered in his midst; the siege of Harfleur; all of it. What truly set the hook, however, was that speech. The one Hal delivered to his men right before the battle of Agincourt:
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day. (4.3)

To borrow from Hal’s speech before the walls of Harfleur: Consider my sinews stiffened! Saying that I was blown away would be a gross understatement. The beauty of the language struck me. It wasn’t only what Hal said, but how he said it. The next day, I borrowed a copy of H5 from the base library and devoured it. That’s when my love of Shakespeare began. I read every play the library had. And, after I left the Army, I began buying my own copies of Will’s work.

These days, my Shakespeare collection rivals that of the local college library. I own three copies of the Complete Works, individual copies – in many cases multiple copies – of the plays and the sonnets, and numerous books about The Bard and his works.

In addition, I buy movie versions of every play I can get my hands on, and regularly attend stage productions of Will’s work performed by several theatre companies in and around New York City. Then, of course, there is the Shakespeare action figure, the Shakespeare bobblehead, the Shakespeare doll, the bottle of Shakesbeer, the skull…you see where I’m going here.

While I admire all of his works, Shakespeare’s Histories are my favorite plays. The jealousy, greed, and villainy; as well as the loyalty, bravery, and self-sacrifice portrayed in those 10 plays remains unmatched. Truthfully, is there a villain in literature better than Richard III? (One might make a strong case for Iago in Othello. But, did Iago have his own nephews killed? His own wife? Wait, ummm, scratch that last one, bad example!)

Of course, there are theories that Richard didn’t order the murders of the princes in the tower. Some think that King Henry VII (Richmond in Richard III) had them killed to strengthen his hold on the throne. And, that argument illuminates yet another way to appreciate these plays. As a student of history, I enjoy comparing Shakespeare’s version of events with that of the history books and the theorists.

Twenty years on, Henry V remains my absolute favorite play. I read it again every couple of years, I’ve seen three different stage versions, and I watch various film versions a few times each year. As I watch, I think about my roommates, and the other members of my unit. I think about how Darryl – the oldest of us; he was 24 and a fantastic artist serving in the Army to make enough money to attend art school – made us all watch the Branagh film, and how we were inspired. I think about how Shakespeare really got it right with those lines; how those guys, who I probably would’ve barely spoken to if I’d met them back “in the world,” became my brothers.

I laugh when I think about my adventures with those guys. Like the time 20 of us piled into a room to watch the animated dinosaur movie The Land Before Time. When an earthquake struck, and the baby dinosaur became separated from his mother, we – 20 trained soldiers; men who would kill with their bare hands, eat someone’s guts and ask for a second helping – had tears in our eyes. Though, none of us would ever admit to that.

I remember our “Pool Assaults;” a score of Infantrymen scaling the 10-foot high decorative concrete wall of the base pool in the middle of the night. We’d climb up to the 10-meter diving platform and all dive at once, then scurry back to the barracks, leaving a trail of water for the MPs to follow. Why? For no other reason than it was something to do. We were Infantrymen; we worked hard and played harder.

I think about the night my friend Ken Perkins cut open a Cyalume stick in an attempt to discover what made it glow in the dark. It spilled all over him when he split it open. He then proceeded to leave glowing hand and foot prints up and down the barracks hallway.

Or, I recall any of the dozens of other good times we had in spite of the heat and humidity, and between the push-ups, and the jungle, and the stuff I wish I could forget.

When Hal urges his men to the breach once more, I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up because I’ve been in situations that required that kind of bravery and I have had such brothers beside me.

That is where Will’s power truly lies. Not only can he use language to take me somewhere I’ve never been – Agincourt, Dunsinane, Verona, or Cyprus, for example – he can also take me back to the places I have. His writing connects the then and the now, the character and the reader.

When Romeo first sees Juliet, I know how he feels because his words remind me of the first time I saw the woman who broke my heart. When Hamlet contemplates suicide, I can feel his anguish because I've had those same arguments with myself. And, in the epilogue to A Midsummer Night's Dream, when Puck begs for my applause – "Give me your hands if we be friends" – I give it to him. No, not because I am a "merry wanderer of the night," but because he and his fellows have bewitched me with their words; words given to them – and in many cases created out of thin air for them – by the author.

William Shakespeare did not make me a poet – it took the aforementioned broken heart to do that. But, he lit the path by showing me how to use words to translate my feelings, experiences, and dreams into language. Using his form – the sonnet – just felt natural. (And, though some will argue that adherence to any form stifles creativity, I contend that it challenges a poet to become all the more creative.)

So, from The Mad Sonneteer to The Master, happy birthday, Will. “To me, fair Friend, you can never be old,/ For as you were when first your eye I eyed/ Such seems your beauty still.” – Sonnet XIV

01 April 2011

The Day My Marriage Ended - April 1, 2004

This date always brings back the pain of how my marriage crumbled so quickly. You may have heard about it. If not, below are the news reports.

Sadly, when it comes to heartbreak, what happens in Vegas, doesn't stay in Vegas!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spears Weds Outlook Editor
Bard Wire Report
April 1, 2004

Las Vegas (Bard Wire) – Oops, she did it again! For the second time in two months Britney Spears has married.

A publicist for the pop-princess announced today that Spears tied the knot after a recent performance at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas.

The small ceremony took place in the wedding chapel of the Excalibur Hotel and Casino just after 4 a.m. on Sunday, Mar. 7.

According to her publicist, Spears, age 22, married Bud Koenemund, age 35. Koenemund is reportedly the Editor-in-Chief of Outlook Student Press, the newspaper of SUNY/Rockland Community College, a small school 25 miles north of New York City.

“I don’t know what it is about that town [Las Vegas], it just makes me want to get married…I think it’s the overwhelming class surrounding everything there,” the new Mrs. Spears-Alexander-Koenemund wrote in a statement released to the press.

Koenemund, who was in Las Vegas for a journalism convention, held a brief press conference today.

“Britney and I are insanely happy together, and we plan to remain that way for the rest of our lives,” he said.

Several reporters asked Koenemund what attracted him to Spears.

“Well, there is her obvious physical beauty, but Britney also possesses a surprising, almost encyclopedic, knowledge of the works of William Shakespeare. What could be sexier than that?” he said.

When reached for comment, Spears answered a similar question.

“He made me laugh. He comes on very serious, but once you get to know him deep-down, he’s very funny,” she said.

Friends of Koenemund doubted a wedding day would ever arrive for the editor.

“Bud may chance have some odd quirks and remnants of wit broken on him, because he had railed so long against marriage,” Benedick Padua joked. “But doth not the appetite alter?” he added.

On Jan. 3 of this year, Spears married hometown friend, Jason Allan Alexander, but the union was annulled only 55 hours later. This is the first marriage for Koenemund.

In a related story, Las Vegas Police and members of MGM Grand security are investigating how a student journalist from New York gained back-stage access at the hotel.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spears Dumps Editor, Ends Second Marriage
Bard Wire Report
April 1, 2004

Las Vegas (Bard Wire) – Britney Spears’ second attempt at marriage has ended. Her union with New York newspaper editor Bud Koenemund lasted only three and a half weeks.

The couple officially separated earlier today, according to their respective spokespeople.

Though brief by conventional standards, this marriage outlasted her first by more than three weeks.

Reportedly, the trouble in paradise was due to jealousy, and the long-distance nature of the relationship.

According to a source close to Spears, Britney couldn’t handle the fact that Bud was constantly surrounded by young, scantily-clad, college girls.

A spokesperson for Koenemund told a different story however.

Benedick Padua presented copies of public documents pertaining to Spears’ brief marriage to Jason Allan Alexander showing that Spears is, in fact, still legally married to Alexander.

The documents, available at thesmokinggun.com, plainly show that a marriage license was issued to Britney Jean Spears and Jason Allen Alexander. However, only 55 hours after the wedding, an annulment request was granted to Britney Jean Spears and Jason Allan Alexander.

“The misspelling probably wouldn’t be enough to overturn the annulment,” said George Dewey, a partner in the Las Vegas law firm Dewey, Skrewem, & Howe.

Apparently, it was enough for Koenemund.

“Although Bud is deeply saddened by the ending of his marriage, he has no interest in being ‘the other man’,” Padua said, “he doesn’t want to be used only for his body, like some brainless piece of meat.”

Legal experts on both sides commented that the divorce proceedings in a case like this could get very nasty.

31 March 2011

Mets Eliminated From Playoff Race

Announcement Comes Hours Before Season’s First Pitch

FLUSHING, NY (Pirate Press) – In a move sure to stun many fans of the New York Mets, team officials today announced that the team has been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention this season.

The admission came at Citi Field, just hours before the first pitch in Friday's season opener against the Florida Marlins.

"We just feel that it's important to be truthful with our fan base," said Sandy Alderson, Mets General Manager.

Alderson told reporters that a small group made up of team management looked into the team's chances during spring training in Florida.

"We looked at our roster, our current and recent injuries – including those of [supposed franchise shortstop] Jose Reyes - and we looked at what has happened over the last four seasons," Alderson said. "Unfortunately, we determined that this team stood a snowballs chance in Hell of making the playoffs this season."

Following consecutive late season collapses in 2007 and 2008, Mets players suffered a frightening string of injuries in 2009, which virtually crippled the team for most of the year. The 2010 season proved no better.

"After those three seasons, frankly, we expected a strong rebound in 2010, but we came out of the gate snakebit and never recovered," said Omar Minaya, former Mets General Manager.

Minaya was fired - along with Mets manager Jerry Manuel - following the 2010 season.

"It seemed like every single thing that could go wrong did," Minaya added, "from dropped pop flies against the Yankees, to our closer breaking his hand punching an old man, we saw it all in 2010."

"Truthfully," Alderson said, "at this point, there's a better chance that the world actually will end in 2012 than there is of the Mets playing even .500 baseball this season…much less make the post-season."

Mets players and coaches were disappointed by the announcement.

"Baseball has been very, very good to me, but not this year," Chico Escuela, Mets outfielder, said through an interpreter.

"What can I say? Sadly, eternal optimism doesn't live in Queens anymore," said Terry Collins, current manager of the Mets. "All we can ask is that our fans wait 'til next year…again."

18 March 2011

Eyes: Young and Blue

Not a fan of my blue eyes. I adore brown. Who wants to swap?
- Lara Schutz, 22 February 2011


Photograph by Lara Schutz - copyright 2008


Eyes: young and blue. One matched pair, slightly used;
Called striking, on occasion. Asking trade.
No known impairments, still sparkle like new.
Seeking an extra-genetic upgrade;
Recessive genes – too slow in receding –
Have denied me the brown shade I adore.
Thus, I beg an exchange satisfying
Purely aesthetic desire, nothing more;
My mind will retain the burdens perceived
Within a scant two dozen years of sight;
Memories – good and bad only conceived –
Remain, to fade slowly in life’s twilight.
Alas, I know this yearning is but vain
Hope, tinged with an envy I can't constrain.

17 March 2011

Once Upon a Time...

For "Her."

Let’s sit and write a sonnet together,
Just you and I. I’ll pour some drinks and play
Songs that still remind me, while you whisper
Words which linger in my ears. I’ll obey
Your charge wistfully, quickening the quill
To flagellate my soul in equal parts
Healing and torture, as grief beyond will
Suffocates the love that once filled my heart;
Anon we’ll return to the past; a time
I knew, even then, was but a broken
Fairy tale, and at the bell’s midnight chime
I am left a knight without his maiden.
I'll fill this page with things I long to say,
For your magic oft’ fades ere light of day.

07 March 2011

"Fat Tuesday" is Insulting to Obese Americans

Just a little satire for Mardi Gras.

My friends, I am fed up with the city of New Orleans. I said, brothers and sisters, I am fed up with the city of New Orleans. I am as mad as Hell, and I tell you I will take it no more! I am sick and tired of being annually insulted, degraded, jeered, mocked, and slurred.

The city and citizens of New Orleans ask for our help in rebuilding, yet they continue to use their paganistic Mardi Gras celebration as an excuse to taunt millions of overweight Americans with their observance of "Fat Tuesday." Fat Tuesday? What, I ask you, is there to celebrate about being Fat? Are these heathens and the tourists they attract celebrating the increase in heart disease and diabetes brought about by being overweight?

Do they celebrate the fact that many overweight Americans are heading for an early grave? Do they not care how hurtful the word "Fat" can be? What will they celebrate next, Wide-ass Wednesday? Fried Foods Friday? Accept this outrage no longer, friends!

As one of the growing masses (in numbers and in girth) of overweight Americans, I call on you to join my new group: the Organization to Reduce Excessively Offensive Slogans (O.R.E.O.S.). We demand that "Fat Tuesday" be immediately renamed a more politically correct "Obese Tuesday." We will no longer sit idly by -- eating our Twinkies and Ring-Dings -- while unthinking and unfeeling people continue to use a term as offensive as "Fat."

Say it loud and say it proud my friends; "No Justice, No Peas…or Carrots, Celery, and Corn!"

In addition, we will soon be filing a lawsuit against New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin for fraudulently claiming that New Orleans will be a "Chocolate City." This blatant attempt to lure obese people to New Orleans with the false promise of nearly unlimited sweets will not be allowed to continue.

Thank you America!

Bud Koenemund
Grand High Exalted Poobah of O.R.E.O.S.

09 February 2011

I Fear Sleep for the Dreams That Often Come

A villanelle for Arthur H. Monigold.


I fear sleep for the dreams that often come
In the darkest hours after midnight,
When my mind is defenseless, my heart numb.

Engulfed in blackness, I sense the phantom
Approach, but I cannot flee, cannot fight;
I fear sleep for the dreams that often come.

Powerless, I am once more his victim.
Past trespass will allow no rest tonight,
When my mind is defenseless, my heart numb.

My innocence again becomes flotsam,
Broken by incestuous appetite;
I fear sleep for the dreams that often come.

The shame of my own guilt becomes tiresome
To bear, though memory will still indict
When my mind is defenseless, my heart numb.

To unrestrained emotions I succumb,
While praying these nightmares fade in day's light.
I fear sleep for the dreams that often come
When my mind is defenseless, my heart numb.

28 December 2010

We Are Such Stuff as Dreams Are Made On: A Review of "The Tempest"

Scene: Exterior - Broadway, New York City, two weeks before Christmas.

Four friends and I have set off on a quest to see Julie Taymor's interpretation of William Shakespeare's The Tempest. I've been looking forward to this day for months -- I took a vacation day from work so that I could see this film on opening night -- so we're driving 30+ miles, into New York City, on a Friday night, this close to Christmas. The potential for disaster is dangerously high.

The risk, however, is more than worth the reward. See, I'm a bit of a Shakespeare fanatic. I read the plays, I see all the movies, and I see the plays performed on the stage whenever I can. I know -- and celebrate -- William Shakespeare's birthday, I know the names of the three conspirators in Henry V (Act 2, Prologue), and I remember the name of Mercutio's brother in Romeo and Juliet. I quote Shakespeare to my four-year-old niece. Oh, and I bought her a copy of The Complete Works before she was even born.

Two of my former college professors -- one with a Master's degree and one with a Ph. D. -- have invited me into their classrooms for a day or more to teach their students about The Bard. This is, of course, an honor. An honor I could not accept (it's a long story), but an honor nonetheless.

I respect both professors, but if Dr. Nancy Hazelton -- a true Shakespearean scholar -- told me that William Shakespeare was the son of an illiterate glover, who smoked cannabis, and wrote the majority of his sonnets for a man, I'd take every word as gospel. (Wait...what?!?) If I have a question about Will or the Elizabethan theater, I go to Dr. H. So, when she asked for my review of The Tempest, I again held it a high honor.

Truthfully, I'm still wrestling with my feelings toward the movie. I want to like it, I really, really want to like it. And, overall, I do. The film was beautiful. The setting (Hawaii) was perfect. The actors were -- with one exception -- terrific. Helen Mirren did a wonderful job with the "Our revels now are ended" speech. (I doubted her not.) The film was a big step up from Titus.

That being said, I had several problems (three small, two large) with the film:

1. Although I realize Trinculo is one of the "low comedy" characters, I think Russell Brand was a poor choice to play that part. His accent -- compared to those of the others -- was jarring. I don't know how to explain it other than to say that he just didn't seem to "fit" the part.
My view on this point has softened somewhat in the past three weeks. I thought back to Kenneth Branagh's casting of Alicia Silverstone and Matthew Lillard in Love's Labours Lost, and realized that Taymor was probably trying to pull in the younger, "Katy Perry" crowd by casting Brand. (Brand is, for those who don't know, engaged to singer Katy Perry.)

2. Being a Romantic, I think the moment Miranda and Ferdinand first meet could have been extended a bit. I would've liked one of those cinematic "Their eyes meet and everything around them stops for a few moments" type of shots.

3. In a few places, most notably the shipwreck scene (Act 1, Scene 1), the music made the dialogue nearly unintelligible. That scene should be loud (men shouting, howling wind, thunder, crashing waves, breaking timber), but the music threatened to drown (small pun intended) much of that.

4. The masque (Act 4, Scene 1) was very short, and it resembled a cut scene from Taymor's Across the Universe. It consisted of computer generated graphics that resembled a geometry exam on LSD. (James I, who loved masques -- hence their inclusion in many plays once he became king -- would not have approved.)

5. My major complaint about the film is the epilogue. The epilogue was presented as a song (a very slow song) which played over the closing credits. If I hadn't known that an epilogue was coming, I would have missed it. When the credits began before the epilogue was presented, I stayed in my seat thinking perhaps Taymor was going to do something like Branagh did in As You Like It. Sadly, that was not to be.
I was a bit shocked. I mean, that epilogue wasn't just the end of the play, it was Will's farewell to the stage. It should have been a bit tongue-in-cheek ("Yes, I'm out here begging you to clap for the play"), and contain a little bit of sentiment for those of us -- 400 years down the road -- who know that Will is done writing (at least by himself).

Now my charms are all o'erthrown,
And what strength I have's mine own,
Which is most faint: now, 'tis true,
I must be here confined by you,
Or sent to Naples. Let me not,
Since I have my dukedom got
And pardon'd the deceiver, dwell
In this bare island by your spell;
But release me from my bands
With the help of your good hands:
Gentle breath of yours my sails
Must fill, or else my project fails,
Which was to please. Now I want
Spirits to enforce, art to enchant,
And my ending is despair,
Unless I be relieved by prayer,
Which pierces so that it assaults
Mercy itself and frees all faults.
As you from crimes would pardon'd be,
Let your indulgence set me free.

- William Shakespeare, The Tempest

26 November 2010

North Pole Announces Job Cuts, Kringle Appears Before Congress

A satirical look at the ever deepening financial crisis being felt around the world. (Written: December 2008)

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Although surrounded by frozen wasteland, the North Pole has always been immune to cooling economic climates. Now, however, the world-wide financial crisis has reached into the icy expanse above the Arctic Circle.

Santa Claus Incorporated today announced plans to cut more than 20 percent of its elven work force, and nearly 25 percent of its flying reindeer staff. The cuts come less than two weeks before Christmas – traditionally Santa Claus’ busiest season – and were made in an effort to save money and streamline business operations, a North Pole spokesman said.

“Decades of increasing production and delivery costs, as well as steadily rising elf and reindeer wages and health care costs have compelled us to downsize our workforce,” said Yukon Cornelius.

As the job cuts were being announced, Kris Kringle, CEO of Santa Claus Incorporated, or SCI, appeared before the Congressional Subcommittee for Supercilious Affairs to request a nearly $250 billion corporate bail-out package.

During questioning by Rep. Barney Frank (D – MA), subcommittee chairman, Kringle claimed that Santa Claus stands in the growing shadow of a financial crisis.

“Without a substantial aid package from Congress, Santa Claus could very well cease to exist,” Kringle said. “We need an infusion of capital to sustain us while we re-vamp our operations.”

Frank pressed Kringle on the wisdom of his current business model and on repeated calls for cuts in management compensation.

“From time immemorial, we have provided toys to children around the world, in exchange for nothing more than good behavior, stale cookies, and warm milk,” Kringle said. “And, despite years of parental threats, we have never left a single child a lump of coal in their stocking. But, rising costs are forcing us to re-examine this generosity.”

“We must re-tool our plants and our workforce in order to produce toys more efficiently and at a lower cost, while at the same time, restoring the world’s faith in Santa Claus,” Kringle said.

The International Brotherhood of Elves quickly responded to the announcement of job cuts and Kringle’s statements before Congress.

“Despite decades of poor treatment by management, especially a lack of dental care, the Elves have offered SCI several contract give-backs in an effort to preserve jobs,” said a union leader who gave his name only as Hermey. “But, the problems at SCI extend far beyond our contract.”

“For years, SCI has been steadily cutting our workforce as they’ve outsourced more and more work to China and Korea in an effort to increase corporate profits. Unfortunately, toy quality has suffered and now consumers are turning to other sources for their Christmas gifts,” Hermey said.

Hermey cited SCI distribution of Chinese-manufactured toys containing lead-based paint as a primary factor in the decline in demand.

Representatives of the Federated Union of Reindeer could not be reached for comment.

At the White House, President George W. Bush said that he is watching the crisis closely.

“We must not misunderestimate this crisis,” Mr. Bush said. “If Santa Claus goes under, his suppliers and their employees will suffer as well.”

Several economic experts have warned that the ripples of SCI’s fall could spread globally; even as far as Hanukkah Harry Industries – the largest competitor of Santa Claus.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi, (D – CA), Speaker of the House of Representatives, is among several members of Congress opposed to a bail-out of Santa Claus.

“This is not our crisis to solve…the North Pole is not U.S. territory and Mr. Kringle is not an American citizen,” Pelosi said. “He should petition Canada, Norway, or Russia; or perhaps even the United Nations for the emergency funding he needs.”

Kringle warns that without the bail-out funds, “Presents may not be delivered this Christmas Eve.”

06 August 2010

The Metamorphosis...or Not!

This morning, I intercepted a suicide bomber within an inch of my left foot. Normally, I keep a rolled-up newspaper handy in order to deal with such attacks. Unfortunately, my weapon of choice was not available this morning, so I grabbed my favorite biological weapon, "Ortho Home Defense Max."

I must take a moment to say - without prompting or payment from the good people at Ortho - this stuff is great! It kills any kind of bug, inside or out. And, it makes spiders "dance" before they die! Yes, I know that sounds horribly sadistic, but when it comes to spiders...

Let it suffice to say that there is now one more filthy, eight-legged fraker writhing in Hell, along with Shelob and her evil minions.

But, I digress.

My early morning encounter reminded me of two mock news pieces I wrote back in 2005; so I thought I'd post them for you, Gentle Reader. Stay safe!


Bud Forces Launch Offensive Against Insurgents
Disassociated Press
14 April 2005

POMONA, N.Y. – Forces for a Spider-Free Bud’s Room yesterday launched a violent basement-wide counter-attack, including the use of chemical and biological weapons, against eight-legged insurgents.

According to Brigadier General Sy Kopath, FSFBR spokesman, the insurgents have begun what appears to be a spring offensive to re-occupy the Free People’s Republic of Bud’s Room.

“We thought we had the creepy bastards beaten in the winter, but the warmer weather has brought a resurgence in the rate of arachnid incursions,” he said.

While traditional weapons such as shoes, napkins, and rolled up college newspapers have been employed with great success, Kopath revealed that Bud Forces have recently resorted to chemical deterrence in the form of moth balls, and biological weapons developed by S.C. Johnson & Son, Inc. to defeat the arachnids before they regain a foothold in Bud’s Room.

“Our forces are determined to stop the enemy at the border,” Kopath said. “Any that do get in will be terminated without mercy.”

Representatives of the God-less Communist Invading Spider Horde released a statement denouncing the use of weapons of mass spider destruction.

“The use of these weapons (WMSDs) violates multiple international treaties and the GCISH will not stand for it,” the statement reads.

The statement also alludes to The Horde’s alleged nuclear weapons program.

“Last year we laid down our legs in an effort to live peacefully, but no longer. We will not stand by while our women and our young are slaughtered indiscriminately. We will use all our resources to develop weapons capable of defeating the imperialist Bud Forces.”

The statement also decried the recent “April 12th Massacre.” On that day, three spiders and two spider-allies – members of the so-called “Axis of Weevil” – were killed by Bud Forces in a matter of hours.

“We cannot confirm or deny the events of 12 April, but rest assured that once the facts of the engagement have been established, medals will be awarded to those responsible for their valorous acts of Bud defense,” Kopath said, when asked about the incident.


Incursions Rise Despite Bud Claims
Disassociated Press
31 August 2005

POMONA, N.Y. – Despite recent claims of an end to major combat, Axis of Weevil incursions reached a 24-hour record yesterday.

Seven separate attacks were recorded in the Bud’s Room Province between Monday and Tuesday evenings. The Forces for a Spider-Free Bud’s Room response reportedly resulted in the deaths of four spiders, two beetles, and one centipede.

The use of a new biological weapon, Ortho Home Defense Max, and the dramatic drop-off in insurgent activity, led FSFBR Command to declare the Province secure as recently as last week. The new spat of attacks, however, shows that the insurgency is far from over.

“As the infidels bring in new weapons, we will modify our tactics in order to continue this Jihad,” said Harry bin Arachnid, a spokesman for the Godless Communist Invading Spider Horde. “We will drive the imperialist Bud Forces out no matter what the eventual total cost may be.”

Bud Forces Command claims that the rise in the number of attacks is not necessarily an indication of a less secure province.

“It should be noted that none of these attacks resulted in a single FSFBR casualty, or any damage to property,” said Brigadier General Sy Kopath, FSFBR spokesman. “In each case the insurgent was intercepted and killed before completing their mission.”

“These insurgents are not indigenous. They are foreign beings desperately trying to disrupt the upcoming provincial elections,” Kopath said.

Despite the lack of casualties some people believe that Bud Forces should abandon the Province.

“We should just leave. We’ve caused enough destruction and wiped out a generation of spiders there,” said B. Leeding Hart, an anti-war protestor outside a ranch in Crawford, Texas.

Responding to claims that the insurgency is causing a lack of sleep within the FSFBR, Kopath said simply, “The price of peace is eternal vigilance.”