06 July 2011

Pakistani Intelligence Finds Waldo

Disassociated Press
6 July 2011

ISLAMABAD – In a stunning announcement, Pakistan’s Directorate for Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI) today announced that it has found Waldo.

The bespectacled cartoon explorer, on the run since 1987, was tracked down at a beach party near Karachi, by a special team of analysts formed after Osama bin Laden was killed by American forces in May.

“From now on, when the children of the world want to know where Waldo is, you can tell them he’s in a Pakistani prison, and that’s where he’s going to stay,” said Lieutenant General Ahmad Shuja Pasha, Director of ISI.

“We put our best and brightest on this search,” said Pasha. “And, they did not fail us.”

Although few details about the actual capture were released, Pasha displayed several still photographs he claims show a Pakistani special forces team raiding a “Sweet 16” party being held on the beach at Hawke’s Bay.

Several members of the media attempted, unsuccessfully, to locate Waldo amongst the crowd of partygoers in the photographs, and questioned his actual presence.

“He was there, and now we have him,” Pasha assured the media.

Pasha stated that more raids could occur soon.

“We’re currently conducting follow-up operations using actionable intelligence obtained from Waldo,” said Pasha. “We are confident that other characters – such as Calvin and Hobbes, and Godot – who are being hunted around the world will soon be located and taken into custody.”

Pasha denied American involvement in the capture of Waldo.

“Absolutely not,” he said, when asked about U.S. assistance.

“In fact, it is because the Americans were finally off our backs about Osama that we were able to find Waldo,” he said. “We had so many assets focused on Osama – running here, there, and everywhere for the Americans – that this dangerous criminal continually slipped through our fingers.”

None of the team members responsible for the capture spoke with the media, but one ISI official, who identified himself only as “Peggy,” did.

“Truthfully, this was much more difficult than [finding] bin Laden,” “Peggy” said. “Bin Laden was staying in one place. Waldo was constantly on the move, hiding in large groups of people, in countries around the world.”

“Seriously, he was hiding right down the street from a military academy. Who would’ve guessed that?” he asked members of the media.

“Peggy” hinted that many in the ISI feel like they have been vindicated for what some in the west see as their agency’s long-term failure in the hunt for bin Laden.

“Did the CIA find Waldo? Did MI5? Did Russia’s FSB?” “Peggy” demanded. “No! ISI found him and will bring him to justice.”

Though never formally indicted for any crimes in the western world, Waldo has been accused of countless cross border incursions, after popping up in dozens of countries, apparently without passing through customs inspections.

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